My life.

A man walks into a bar, and says "ouch."

I was going to make gay jokes, butt fuck it.

So, a neutron walks into a bar and asks 'How much for a drink?'

The bartender says 'For you, No charge.'

I had to use google translate on this text, so if something looks weird when reading, you know why. I did fix the text a little so it's readable at least.

"My girlfriend and I were together for over a year, so we decided to get married. There was only one thing that bothered me, her younger sister. My future sister in law was 19, wore mini-skirt with a stiff, perfect butt and big with beautiful necklines and full breasts. She had a habit of bending down near me, looking at me with her attracting eyes. One day she invited me to go see the wedding invitations that were ready. Said that soon I would be married and confessed she had feelings and desires for me that she could not forget nor want to forget! She told me she wanted to have sex with me just once before I get married. I was in total shock! She said: I'm going upstairs to my room, if you want ... I was stunned as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top of the ladder, pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and leave the house, going straight to my car. My future father in law, my fiancee and my future mother in law were out there. With tears in his eyes, my future father in law hugged me and said: - We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We could not ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family! MORAL OF THE STORY: It's better to keep condoms in the car than in your wallet."

What do you call it when Batman skips church?

...

Christian Bale. ba dum tsh

Three young brothers come down for breakfast and their mother asks the oldest what he'd like for breakfast. The oldest son says, "Well, I think I'd like some fucking waffles." His mother, shocked, smacks the boy and sends him to his room. She then asks the middle child what he'd like. "Well, if he's going to his room, that means more fucking waffles for me!" The mother slaps the boy and sends him to his room as well. She then goes to the youngest. "I hope you learned from your brothers. What would you like for breakfast?" The boy thinks for a second and answers, "Well, I definitely don't want the fucking waffles."

A U.S. Marine boarded a train on his way home from deployment. The train was quite crowded, and the Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed middle-aged French woman, but when he got there he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle.
The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?" The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat available was under that dog. "Please, Ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired," he asked again. She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window and sat down. The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!"
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window!"

What's the difference between a dead baby and a sweet delicious golden apple?

A Roman walks into a bar, holds up his 2 fingers and says "Five beers, please"

Whaddya' call a bear in the rain?

A DRIZZLY BEAR!

What does a fish say when it runs into a wall? Damn.

What did the Lion King tell Simba when he was walking too slow? — Mufasa!

I sold my vacuum the other day… — all it was doing was collecting dust!

Why did the scarecrow get promoted? — He was outstanding in his field!

How did the hipster burn his mouth? — He sipped his coffee before it was cool!

ohh a joke...
What kind of bee that produce milk? - Boobies !
what is the name of the security that guard samsung store? - Guardian of galaxy badumptss

are you an 9gager ?

Hungry after defeating Superman, General Zod walks into a sandwich shop. He goes up to the counter and orders a reuben on dark rye, and sits down to wait for his meal. At another table, he sees the cast of How I Met Your Mother, apparently waiting for their food as well. He gives them a polite nod, which they return, and quietly reads the newspaper. Before long, he hears (with his Kryptonian super-hearing) his order being called, "Reuben on dark rye!" Zod stands up, and strides boldly to the counter, while one of the HIMYM cast-members mirrors his actions. Zod is momentarily puzzled, but ultimately too hungry to care. As he arrives at the counter, so too does his sitcom shadow, and they soon discover that they both ordered the same thing! Before conflict can arise, the sandwich steward elucidates whose order it is. "Let's not start a fight," he says, "Neil before Zod."

Good jokes about ISIS will have you laughing your head off!

Whats the difference between sand and menstrual blood? You cant gargle sand.

Old, but good one:

A year ago I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and I have observed that this new program started an unexpected subroutine called Son, which occupies almost all my space and important resources. Also, Wife 1.0 auto-installs as a host in all my programs and auto-starts every time I want to use any of them. Apps like Beers With Friends 10.3 and Sunday Football 5.0 no longer work.
Every now and then, a spyware program called In-Law 1.0 starts and freezes Wife 1.0. I haven't been able to uninstall this spyware and I cannot minimize Wife 1.0 if I want to run any of my favorite apps. I'm thinking about downgrading to Girlfriend 7.0 but uninstall IS NOT WORKING!!! Please Help!!

SUPPORT RESPONSE:

Dear User:

This is a known bug submitted by users. In most cases the source is pretty simple. Many users go from version Girlfriend X.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking Wife 1.0 is an utilities and entertainment app. However, Wife 1.0 is designed to control the system entirely. It is very unlikely that you'll be able to uninstall Wife 1.0 and return to any version of Girlfriend. There are hidden files on Girlfriend X.0 that will make it work just like Wife 1.0.

Some users have tried clean formatting their systems in order to install Girlfriend Plus 1.0 or Wife 2.0 but ended with bigger problems afterwards. Please refer to the warning section on the read-me file, specifically the alimony chapter.
Also, if you update to Girlfriend 8.0, do not update to Wife 2.0 because problems will be worst, expensive and not recommended for normal users. Frequently used upgrades include Celibacy 1.0 or Gay/Lesbian 5.3.

I personally have Wife 1.0 installed and suggest you explore the manual in its entirety. The user agreement states that the user shall be responsible for any problem, no matter the cause. A really powerful command, which normally un-freezes the application can be found under C:/IMSORRY.EXE. Having said that, Wife 1.0 is really interesting but has very expensive updates. Recommended plugins include Flowers 12.0, Jewels 2.3 and Vacations 2.3. Yeshoney 9.0 and Whateveryousay 12.3 are also very popular.

Finally, Wife 1.0 is not compatible with MiniSkirtSecretary 3.3. Installing it can cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

A hamster, cat a, dog talked about who had the longest ears. The hamster said the dog had said that the cat has ears, but they weren't the longest. The dog showed ears and hamster the cat

Heisenberg was driving his car at high speed when a cop pulls him over and asks him: "Do you know how fast you were going?", and he replies "No, but I know where I was".

A teacher asks a student "Can you tell me Napoleon Bonaparte's origin?"

The student replies "Course I can!"

http://www.tubechop.com/watch/3745135

1- Where do animals go when their tails fall off?

2- How does a train eat?

3- What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path?

dont look the answers online ):

A man going on vacation asks his brother to watch his cat for him while he's away. "After the divorce, this cat and mom are the only things I have left in this world. If anything were to happen to them I don't know what I'd do." He says, while handing over his keys. After giving his brother a checklist and reminding him to check on their mother he departs.

Roughly a week later the man arrives at his brother's door to pick up his pet. Immediately upon seeing his sibling's face he can tell something is wrong. "Your cat is dead."

"WHAT?! What the hell man! Jesus Christ! I told you how important that cat was! Sugar coat it why don't ya?! Couldn't you have said she was lost and you tried looking at the pound, but no luck so far or something?! For fuck's sake!"
"I'm really sorry man" uttered the brother, a solemn look still gripping his face.
"It's fine. I'll find a way through this, somehow, mom will cheer me up that's what. How is she?" Asks the man.
"Well I lost her a couple of days ago. I tried looking at the pound, but no luck so far..."

Two fish are in a tank, one turns to the other and shouts "HOW THE HELL DO YOU DRIVE THIS THING?!"
So a seal walks into a club...