Just wondering, do people also lose "that thing", knowing the dating/charming part, at a certain age, when you are young you can talk about all sorts of things, i mean i used to had many msn conversations when i was younger, up till 2:00 in the morning with the same woman.

Now i am signed in at a datingsite, but the whole "game" again getting to know someone, saying the right things, i just suck at it now, like maybe when you get older you feel certain things became so trivial, i can ask what are your hobbies, your work etc but then it kinda grinda to a halt, i even suck at an opening line, other then hey how are you?
Does that happen with more people, is it just me? Just curious about others.

Do you also let your personal life affect you, to persue a relationship, like if you got a bad job/finances/health, would you still persue a relationship? I mean offcourse that can work, plenty that got one in poor financial situations.

I just signed up for fun on a free dating site, and yes lots of fakers, but i think there been a bunch of genuinely interested woman that wanted atleast a chat, even partially describe my current situation, but i am like who would want me like this?

Strange thing, friday a female friend told me she was worried, i should go out more, then the day after i had an horoscope saying day was full with chances, i should take them especially in the love area, so i joked to myself if a woman would seek contact with me today and is in my area, i would give it a shot and it happened, but i still feel like getting hold back, but in the end what do you have to lose except some pride maybe?

2 years ago

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When you give it a shot you have 50% chances for success.
When you don't give it a shot you have 0% chances for success.

Yes, when I'm out of the game, I lose the thing too. I think it's natural. You can get it back pretty quickly by doing it.

Back in the day I was using dating apps too but after couple of months I realized it's WAAAAAAY easier to get to know somebody in person than in internet. In internet girls get like hundreds messages daily, so you gotta be creative. I've spent hours thinking about first message that would give me a glimpse of hope to get any response. In person not so many people are so brave, so even a simple "hi" is something. I think the other factor for a positive response is that girls can actually see you and they feel (a little) safer by knowing who they are dealing with. You know, like it's easier to tell if one's not a creep or something.

I'd prefer to just sign up for a class I'm interested in. Why? Well, you're going to have at least 1 common thing with girls on this class – the subject of the class :) I highly recommend any sort of theater or impro classes because you constantly engage in a conversation there and you constantly get to know each other, even without you trying. If you like theater or impro, that is.

If you prefer to stay online, I'd maybe try to ask very specific question about girls interests. For example if she likes basketball, ask if she's a fan of LA Lakers. Maybe she'll be interested why you were so specific and she'll reply asking that :)

And what was the biggest game changer and eye-opener: listen. You don't need to be funny or clever. If you'll give your attention and be genuinely curious with a girl (or any person) you'll make them a great pleasure :) So you'll be like a chocolate. And everyone loves chocolate :P

2 years ago
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Totally agree with what you said, and good to know you seemingly can get the mojo back.

Well with this datingsite a woman can also show interest in you, then you already got 1 point ahead sortof, offcourse you still got to be creative.

The thing is with people in real life, unless you join a common interest (and get to know someone a bit better) then you be left with strangers like in a store or something (or a pub if you got that interest, and then going alone isn't also east to do) but after you reach a certain age you will hit women that are already in a relationship,married etc (even though here we got 1 million people (kids not included, out of 15 million) that are single, which is alot.

A question like that basketball thing you can ask once or twice, or just what are your hobbies? what do you do for work? Oh you got a kid, tell me about it but then. There are only so many topics (which i would just rather get someone to see a movie so we atleast have something else) :p I know it's possible because i could do it before.

It really sucks when someone is not counteractive and they don't ask anything back or give 1 sentence answers, but then i usually don't even care to break it off there.

2 years ago
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It really sucks when someone is not counteractive and they don't ask anything back or give 1 sentence answers

Oh, I forgot about this behaviour. Damn, what a traumatic experience dating apps were for me. Yeah, I understand what you're saying, buddy. I felt the same. Yet another reason why I preferred talking in person – the other person cannot answer between preparing a dinner and watching The Wire. Both people have full attention.

The thing is with people in real life, unless you join a common interest (and get to know someone a bit better) then you be left with strangers like in a store or something (or a pub if you got that interest, and then going alone isn't also east to do)

Yeah, totally agree. It's super awkward to talk to random people. That's when impro and theater comes handy. They will make you talk and listen to each other anyway and you'll get to know each other whether you both like it or not :P Yeah but I can see where you're coming from. I was using dating apps for similar reasons. But it seems like you got more luck with it than me anyways :)

2 years ago
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(Sigh I missclicked and not my message is gone - now gotta go half way.)

You won't lose your pride - you get it for trying.

I know this feeling of getting held back and quite some potential and probably good relations slipped by. Making advises is always better than following them yourself :D
No matter what happens you will make a new experience. Maybe a nice one, maybe it clicks maybe not, maybe something in between.
(I am / you be) Glad it worked out.

A former friend said online dating is like going shopping. Her 'love' and dating life is kinda twisted so we should not take this as a fact. For some it metaphorically might be just that and others are fed up with it. But there ones that want the same as you.

2 years ago
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Yeah that misclick feeling, we all been there. :p

But with doing groceries you pick the loaf of bread and the bread does not have the choice of saying it doesn't want you. :p
But i understand the analogy. ;)
The thing is with those dating sites though and more men then women, that women can actually be picky in who they shop for.

Cheers.

2 years ago
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I'm curious, are you active in any other places besides SG? Or is this your go-to place for opening topics 10 topics a day about all sorts of things in life?

2 years ago
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Being a professional mod much? Maybe you should be more active actually here and moderate more.
10 a day? Surrrreee, list them then from any given day on the same day, or even 5.

And i think there being so many single, this might actually influence other people too, maybe pick up on someone's advice.

Excuse me for being around.

2 years ago*
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Classy as ever. Can't remember you having anything worth contributing.

2 years ago
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It's in the right place and it's not being toxic, no need for the attitude. If you've got issues with the off-topic subforum existing then take it up with someone who can change that rather than sneering at civil posters.

2 years ago
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I can say for me, yes, with older age a lot of persons (woman too) get uninteresting because "one of the (stupid) mass" with very different goals and priorities for their life as i.
As example when they want a lot of money, buy all stuff that they "wish" (of course that wishes never end and they think "only when you pay for something it have a worth") -mostly have 3 mobile phones, multiple TV's, multiple PCs/Laptops etc., travel in each country of the world, to have fun -not to see other cultures, learn something of different livings etc.-. Of course to the "rich" priority come the priority "good looking" and to go out, make party etc. all the time.
I let others live their lifes but that are clearly not my world, my view on important things and such people are for me uninteresting and "mental flat/monotonous/boring".
So, yes, i know the feeling of "After a few sentences i don't want to talk/chat more with woman xyz" or "don't want to invest more energy and time into".

Lovol above said a lot good things that i want to support with a +1.

I think the most important thing that the other person (in this case a woman) feel is when you chat/talk/act honest and when you give her your full attention, listen and be empathetic/sensitive.
That are the things had the women liked best on me (i am liked and "hated" for beeing able to look behind the worn masks).

I never made a bad experience when i said that i don't like to talk, endless, about XYZ (what we own as example) because it isn't important for me.

To give a few general stuff that is normaly seen as positiv are Poem, Art/drawing/painting and Food/cooking, so normaly you should be able to talk about cooking/food, show interest on what she likes, what are her prefered ones, what she want to test etc., if needed as a "icebreaker", to feel a bit more relaxed when later talking about other things.

2 years ago*
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99% of the females accounts it's managed by Criminals Groups in that apps (it's real girls but managed by scammers) and they only want your money,you send money,
these criminals groups, rents room for put cam girl in cheap countries and offices with multiple pcs where the girls work to reply to you, to do that work by tell you many lies "my ex cheat me i love you,i'm at hospital or i have kids " and blablabla
and then beg you for send money,most of time criminals group use asia or east europe girls , this work is very frequent in philippines,romania,thailand,malasya , they work in offices with many pcs and many girls reply to boys write love you , then if when a boy ask see in cam because not believe they can send the girl in downstairs\upstairs of the office where they have" Rooms for girls" show,it's very easy also that they show u naked\sexy too for try cheat your brain + easy because they know 50% of mans like to see and would be + easy to cheat them in that way.
The rules is easy if u want do avoid this 1) not show your face\body or sex 2) not tell your private 3) not send money or gift or not buy things before to who promise you will send u back money after and it is not matter what people write you is happen to them (they can ask u money by say they big problem urgent work,hospital,passed away people etc.)
you will never findttruelove in these apps , is all girls managed by criminals groups,
if u send the money these girls they can stay with u on cam also 1-2-3-10-20-70 years,
but if\when u stop send money they block u and forget you very fast too find another sendmoneyman ¯_(ツ)_/¯
The same girls that chat with you and tell you love you and maybe stay with you in chat\cam 1-2-3 days or years is the same girls that the criminal group make them work in porno\sex websites,only they use different apps,so you think they love you and you is only boy they chat,but they do it as work for sam mans and use dating apps + porno websites show too,so all males see them naked and all males many than hungres receivve text\words i love you from these ladies,not only you.

They can ask u send money direct to bank
OR
can tell u lie about their Phone\Tablet Broken and if u not buy for them then yoou can't chat or cam them (then ask u to gift one to them by give you a link for buy it in their best online stores local or by ask u ship it etc.) then they will resell that in online market sellers websites
OR
can ask you to buy a gift card or something FIRST and promise (lie) to give u back after (will never give u back)
And other things llike this
They also like so much mans with Wife\Girlfriends that see other lady because in this way they can record\take pic of you then stalk you threat you that if u not send money they will show to your gf or wife and they is very expert to go see in your phone (by hack your connection\chat) your phone contacts,socials etc. for know about you
Another common scam is ladies show sexy\naked then if boy show sexy\naked too they put young lady or children babe on cam very fast and stalk\threat you by take pic of you and say you is pedofile because other people can't know that you still watch mature woman they only take pic of you in 1 second that they show babe

if a woman\girl\femal has normal life,is able to do work self etc.,she not need to find boys in chat only she go onbeach or disco many boys will try be bf with she,
so if you find girl in chat most of time is managed by scam groups or is someone that has problem brain or something not normal... because if a woman is normal she have normal life is bussy about go outside,do work etc. so don't have time or feel\need t o use any flirt\date app.
And if someone Really Honest TrueLove you will never ask you money,gifts or buy things,if ask is mean only love is money not you,so be careful about dating apps,the problem is not the fake profiles,but the real girls managed by scam groups criminals that will cheat you,you must be worry about that,not about the fake.

Top of all this Normal girls\females act the OPPOSITE,they is STRESS about mans\boys that always "try" with them so most of them just want stay alone enjoy their life and avoid boys,if\when they see a man\boy they like then they try byself to be gf...
No one real woman\female in world that has normal life will go to use app\date app,and if use 90% of timees is only for stolen money,stolen citizen status,or because not have normal life something (problem brain,criminal or something),because a woman onlygo at beach\disco or in road it's a realtime dating already because all mans run back to she most of time... so...

They work little bit same some big " twitch streamers" or "porncam ladies" companies,the only difference is this 2 NOT LIES to people,but app\flirt\date ladies criminal groups work lie so much and play with you "love" feel for cheat your brain to send money.

So Then...
if you have in your brain this premise present and so you enjoy dating apps by know this...ok maybe u have fun to see some beautiful girls in cam also if they is scammers just don't send them money and not show your sex and it's not a bad idea to video record + do a text backup of all your chat\cam with them so that if they do something bad to you,you then can show at police that you is right ¯_(ツ)_/¯

but if you try to enjoy it for believe these accounts love you,and u send money then u get scammed

i know this because when i was at school we visit a police room where they check these groups\apps and they show us how it work and videos that police record in their offices and rooms,it's room with many tables many pcs and all ladies reply to many mans,then have rooms with sopha\bed that girls lie say is their homes for do cam\naked too,for stolen money to mans by ask send at bank etc.

There is others many than 1000 ways they can scam you but i can't write them all,only i can say you is better you go beach or disco etc. meet people real,these apps it's full of criminals or dangerous people,is not good way to find love,if you use them for "FUN" and by record\backup all for protect yourself and you NEVER send money\gift\buy to who is ok...but if you use them for believe love chat then u get scammed or stalked.

Personally i enjoy or "truelove" (lol) beach ladies,disco ladies,app dating ladies (all apps),scammers\hackers groups criminal ladies,web porno,girls streamers,police ladies that fine me but after give sex too, and also i have 15 girlfriends , so i must say it's not easy for me manage all this hahaha,but is okay what worry me is not this,what worry me is the fact that people describe "death stranding" as a "Videogame" and like it too...and the fact that is more famous\more sell and rated that astroneer,this i really worry and fear.

2 years ago*
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Noone should send anyone money ever, period.

Ifso run away.

2 years ago
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hahaha yes this is! hahahaha

sometimes i print them with printer myself then send o the scammers,then scammers complain to mee by say my money is not good,not real,i replay to them that anyway i send a good piece of paper, hahaha that is value too, paper is not free ha and for build a piece of paper many hard work\sources is needed,it's not easy same people think,today scammers do not understand value of things and life,they much undervalue things,a piece of paper can make a wonderful draw (maybe earn money with it too) or an awesome airplane that give maybe 30 min of happiness (more than money maybe).

2 years ago*
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I love myself. That is all I need.

2 years ago
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I'm not exactly thinking like this but I accepted the fact that it's hard to find new friends after certain point, let it be near lover level. I'm not talking about casual friends, they all come and go. I think it's getting harder to find real friends as the technology advances. And after 30, you cannot tolerate things against to your values. That's why it becomes so hard. Friendship builds on trust and I don't have it for years for the new people, because it requires to live together to develop those feels. This is almost impossible after school life (since many people choose to get married).

I mean, I love being myself, giving myself some private time, a lot. But I also need to talk with someone on the same trust level, once a week maybe, once a month sometimes. This doesn't work with significant other category. I look at my new relationships from a "after honeymoon glasses", my subconscious keeping me away from possible resentments. Some people say this is overthinking, but I know people after being around them for a week. Most of the time, the time proves me right.

I don't know if it's a good thing or bad thing but I hardly let people into my comfort zone. I'm not a hard person, I just have a thick shell.

I respect myself. "Loving myself" as a term somehow feels weird for me. (Sorry about wall of text, I guess I'm on one of my monthly times.)

2 years ago
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I initially thought you were overthinking, and I still am, to some extent, but then I remembered that in some cultures, like in East Asia or the US, people tend to have a mask, a cultural way of interacting that guards how they appear compared to how they might feel (and also affects how they judge themselves, affecting what they feel), so trust and judging others becomes more difficult.

I personally do find a lot of people I can trust and enjoy talking with, just from those I work with. I think that in some respect, what 'trust' means to you depends on how much demand you put on the relationship. If you're someone who's difficult to deal with, and therefore need to trust that the other person will hang in there, then that's perhaps more difficult to find.

2 years ago
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I never thought of that, but significantly from that point of view it makes sense. I couldn't see it myself because I'm inside of it. And yes, I agree that it makes harder to read people. Though, I think my concern here is more of an experience thing. The higher you climb the more it hurts when you fall down. Perhaps I'm backing because of the risks. I have one closest friend, like Holmes and Watson, and a handful of close friends. Others are just people I met on my journey. I tend to treat people as different intellectuals and my expectations are relatively low, but I guess I expect the same in return in exchange of what I give upfront. If people don't care I understand at that exact moment.

I used to organize events, pull up people from here and there, even though I'm an introvert. Guess I'm just tired now.

if I can continue with someone where I left after 3 years of silence (no break-up in between, just silence) that's okay for me. Most of the people cannot do this. Perhaps the hardest part is finding a person who can share my solitude and I meant mutually.

2 years ago
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The higher you climb the more it hurts when you fall down.

That sometimes happen. I know someone who had a good friend, and one time when she went away she let her friend stay at her place, and when she returned she discovered that they sold a lot of her valuables.

That kind of thing is devastating, but many times the only fall is in your mind. You build an image in your mind of what the other person is like and what they think of you, and how you expect them to behave. If they don't match that, you can get hurt. That doesn't mean that they've done something terrible, just that they didn't behave the way you wanted them to behave. The more you put your trust in them, the more you'd feel bad when that happens, but that doesn't necessarily mean they have done anything really wrong.

2 years ago
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Wouldn't know personally. I've never had 'that thing' you speak of.

2 years ago
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" i mean i used to had many msn conversations when i was younger"
Back then you were just chatting.
Now you've signed on a "dating site" you have an ulterior motive.
Like a salesman with a product so to speak.

2 years ago
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They were women i came across by accident (Myspace, games etc), true but the intentions were just the same to eventually meet, and a few times it happened but then it stayed in a friend zone or the other was commited, horrible long stories.
But most of all my life was less of a mess still back then, less to be ashamed of, less baggage.

One is just overall more carefree at a younger age, but (atleast personally) i also tend to ignore more and more idle chit chat, maybe because the time feels going faster kinda thing when you get older.

2 years ago*
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ah, yes, i would still pursue love even though my life is a mess right now. then i tell myself i'm not ready for such responsibility and fuck everything up

2 years ago
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I'm not a fan of extended texting/chatting either. Where I live, a lot of women will "work you" as part of their job.

Eg. If they work at a real estate office or bank, they use apps/texting to be super friendly/kind, but seek ways to incorporate their job into conversation. It's completely superficial and phoney. EDIT: This isn't always the case, ofc. Talking about work is an easy way for them to red flag/ reject you when they discover what you do for a living.

Rightly or wrongly, I aim for an coffee + chat at a cafe or something ASAP. This weeds out a lot of the chicks working you/me, and saves time.

I do not pursue a relationship when personal stuff is going poorly. Although I wish I did. Sure, many will reject for purely financial reasons or whatever, but even if things are going awesome, then you'll wonder if she's just using for your money.

Good Luck!

2 years ago
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Yeah, having them out for a drink is the best way to go, although there are a bunch that want many chats first as to not be afraid (or waste time) as they got plenty of options.

Best way to always say you are a janitor or something on your first date.. ;) :p

2 years ago
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I also liked Lovol's comment above. I especially think meeting people in-person is best. Without non-verbal communication, we are only half-communicating with our thoughts and words. And that is why we use memes/gifs/emojis to somehow fill-in the latter half of the communication. I really don't do that enough 🙄.

I've been on this dating app for 1 whole year now. And I've only had 3 dates with 3 different very strong women. Looking back, I don't think I made an honest effort?

Date 1: Go to the park and do some yoga exercises together.
Date 2: Go to the beach. Talk. Bring a gift. Buy lunch.
Date 3: Go to the mall. Talk. Play Ping Pong. Go home.

When I look back, it feels so boring. Compared to how much effort I put in through my messaging them, coming up with topics, and showing support.

I didn't do anything grand when we finally met. I didn't have a memorable date with anyone. My excuse was I wasn't in love with them, so why put in the effort. We're just strangers meeting offline for the first time. But i feel like that's the wrong kind of mindset to have.

Next time, I go on a date, I'm gonna prepare like crazy weeks in advance. I'm going to do something memorable. Something they can proudly look back on say that was a "weird date" or that was a "date to remember". It could be good , it could be bad. But most importantly, it can't be mediocre.

2 years ago
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They say something thrilling, like a rollercoaster (or something with heights like a rope bridge) always last an impression, something to do with the brains.

2 years ago
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Yeah. That. And there are so many romance shows nowadays, we're not just competing with other men, but fictional men as well.

2 years ago
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I wouldn't know, I never saw the point in dating.

2 years ago
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I never did dating sites. However, I did meet a guy online years ago. We used to talk every single day for hours. Online, he was like my best buddy. When we decided to meet in person, it was really weird. I met him a second time because I thought he was just nervous the first time. Again, he couldn't hold a conversation in person. He didn't even try. That relationship was not going to go further than that. I wasn't interested in being used by some guy who wanted to lose his virginity. lol. I'm convinced that's what it was, good looking as he was.

I don't think I'd ever meet someone from the internet again. That experience just wasted my time.

2 years ago*
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There's a lot unsaid here, but judging only from what's said it feels unfair to him.

2 years ago
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I don't see how that's unfair. He was basically treating me like a piece of meat. And he knew I wasn't into casual encounters. He wouldn't talk to me in person, only through the internet. Do you think that's normal? I even met him a again because I wanted to see if it was just him being shy or nervous meeting me for the first time in person because we got along great online. Same thing. I honestly don't think you have a right to judge that. I was kinda an idiot back then, so probably didn't handle it the right way either. You're right, I didn't tell you everything. But out of it all, he wasn't bothered AT ALL. He was quite happy, and I was the one who was emotionally shattered. I never spoke to him since the last time I saw him.

He's the reason I won't meet anyone from the internet again. If I sense they are trying to flirt with me, I stop talking to them. I don't want anyone stringing me along emotionally. I have met someone offline since that. It didn't work out in the long term for mutual reasons, and my health issues kinda helped end what was already fizzling out (my back surgery etc), but at least the relationship was normal. AND he and I can still be nice to each other if we see each other.

2 years ago*
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But what if he is just nervous in real life with women, a second, third etc time?

2 years ago
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Nah, he wasn't. I found out afterwards that he was a big advocate for gamergate. I never knew that about him.

And when I say we met more than once, it wasn't for one day each time. We lived in different places, so we travelled to the same city to hang out for several days at a time. That would have been plenty of time to feel comfortable around me.

I'm a shy person myself, so I understand what that can be like... and to be honest, his problem wasn't shyness. It was just ewww. My friends were annoyed with me when I told them about him. They wanted to know why I didn't bail the first time. But we knew each other for years as online friends. Of course I gave it a chance. With hindsight, I should have bailed after that first time, would have saved myself a lot of emotional stress and maybe we still coulda remained friends. Haha!

Meeting people in real life is much better, at least from my perspective.

EDIT: And you know, I do have some regrets. I was bullied and abused emotionally most of my life up until that point. If I was the person I am today, I would have been completely open and said "Look, this is weird. You either talk to me like I'm a real person, or we're done here." I didn't know how to handle it, so I let that drag on a bit. You were actually dealing with someone who was more assertive than I was at that time. There's a lot more to this story, and what I've told were the basics. I don't really want to get into it on a deeper level. =)

2 years ago*
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I don't see why you think he only thought about you as a piece of meat. If he pressed for physical contact when you met, that would have been clear, but you didn't indicate that was the case. You're just saying that he didn't talk to you.

Do you think that's normal?

I'd say that not talking at all is outside the norm. He may be abnormally anxious or shy. I know that it's easier for me to talk online when I can think about what I'm saying and feel less pressure. I would have expected him to try to explain this though, after the fact, online.

2 years ago
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Um... I didn't really make the initial post for it to be pulled apart like a court case. There are reasons that I didn't elaborate, and it's not something I want to go into in detail because it did hurt a lot at the time. I just posted to suggest that online dating isn't something I would ever do again. To act like I should have explained it in more detail is absurd, I probably even said too much as it is. I wasn't intending to and I won't do that. I have learned a valuable lesson at a point in my life where I probably needed to learn it. And that's really all there is to it. I am much older and wiser now.

^ I did explain some of it in my response to Lugum. btw. (that's all I'm going to say =) )

Have a nice day.

2 years ago*
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I apologise. It's my natural tendency to try to see the other side, so I tend to be a little more nosy than I should be.

2 years ago
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I've never done a dating site myself, I'd rather see someone's personality face to face, as text can be misleading. That said, I'm not a great conversation starter myself, but... If I can get a girl talking about things that intrigue her, then I can keep it going in most cases, so long as it's not something that is god awful to talk about. Beyond that, I just joke and flirt a lot. Who doesn't like to laugh and feel attractive right?

Edit: That said, I haven't pursued a relationship in quite some time, and life is still kind of in rough spot, though things will be picking up again soon. I'm in no rush to date though, I'll likely never get serious with a relationship again anyway.

2 years ago*
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I just don't play that game at all. Never have, never will. Saves a lot of time (and presumably money). :D
I realize that this probably isn't the answer you're looking for and it might be impossible for people who actually have a... "desire to breed" to just ignore said desire, but as with any game, if you're not enjoying it and only finding it stressful, then it's probably a good idea to move on to a different game... Perhaps I'm applying too much video game logic to real life here. ^_^'

2 years ago
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I think that's fine if you're the type of person who enjoys their own company and doesn't want the bother of other people. But for most people, myself included, it isn't necessarily about having kids, but finding someone to spend the rest of your life with. Growing old alone would suck.

2 years ago
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It does for sure have it benefits too being single, but yeah i do got a strong desire to breed as you put it, and that doesn't get better the older you get because you feel the desire more, and yes men can be a dad when they are 70, but i would want someone somewhat my own age.

2 years ago
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If you indeed have strong desire to breed you shouldn't use apps xD Try to talk to some people in real life. Unless you want to meet somebody interesting on the other side of the globe to actually never meet :) Also from what I heard from my friends who use dating apps - most of people there are for one night stands or to steal your money (or both combined xD).

2 years ago
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With time I indeed lost an interest in other people hobbies, work and other b*****t. It changes if I'm actually interested in actual person and I guess that If somebody who you meet likes you - that person also starts to be curious about you.
But you have to start conversation first to let that happen...
Maybe start with complaining? Like "kids these age..." (that would work if you both are at least 60 y.o though), or "I remember when it was cheaper to drive to somebody to talk than using phone".

2 years ago
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Are you really looking for help or just seeking sympathy? Honest question.

Either is your prerogative, and that's fine. If it's only sympathy you seek, you've already found it in this thread. But for real, actual advice on this, you must realize the need to ask yourself some hard questions and realize some blunt truths. You'll need to truly recognize and reconcile some harsh realities about the life you currently live.

If it's the latter, I don't think you'll necessarily find the help you need here. I think you're a terrific candidate for therapy, and professional help can provide the discipline required for such a deep examination of your worldview and mindset.

Do not feel the need to reply to this, I'd actually prefer if you don't. This isn't antagonism-- I'm just asking you to look into the mirror and be honest with yourself.

2 years ago
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I would prefer if you never replied (at all) too.

You are a doctor apparently of journalism, not pyschology, so stick to your area, suggesting/"diagnosing" stuff is really bold.

Many (more then i thought actually) also share they seem to be in a financial bind (and more) and also question or state they won't persue further things because of it all, and some even don't let them bother it all and kudos to them.
But it isn't even about that mostly. more about the whole "game" part (how to participate in that), getting back into it etc.

2 years ago*
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To be honest, I was never really good with small talk, especially when its purely for the sake of socialization (including courting). I guess thats what you mean by the "game" and "saying the right thing".
I find it a waste of time. If people want to know each other, lets talk about something of substance. Ideas, thoughts, preferences, what they hold important in life and what are their values, what worries them, what warms their hearts, anything meaningful really. I was tired of it even at a young age (not that I consider myself particularly old at 30), and I cant stand it today. When it comes to dating, its even worse. Its filled with deceiption, misunderstandings and feels overall disingenuous. Or I just did not find the right women, idk.
Faking it is not an option. I've tried it too many times in my teenage years, and ultimately came to the conclusion that pretending to be someone else than who I actually am, just for the sake of easier communication, is just a poor try at decieving myself and my partner. Not to mention its incredibly tiring at the same time. If I ever want a relationship, I want it to be genuine and straightforward.
What is interesting, is that in my experience the older I am, my contemporaries seemingly start to lean towards my attitude. They get tired of playing games and just want an honest person to settle down with. Maybe I should try again now, as more and more women of my age express similar sentiments.
However, the part about less than ideal life situations is also familiar. Only it started for me about nine years ago and it does not look like it will improve anytime soon. Well, not significantly. I would lie if I said that it did not improve somewhat troughout the years. But it still burdens me a lot.
The idea of finding a soulmate is nice and I would love to experience it, but next to no private sphere and almost no chance for financial independence in the forseeable future kind of kills my motivation. Even if I would find someone, what would I do? I hardly have time and energy for myself between workdays. How could I give all of myself to someone, when I dont even feel like a full person myself? Pursuing romance in a situation like this does not look likea a wise idea to me.
Being an introvert is not helping either. You'd think online dating sites would help, but I did not try any, as people who are active on them speak of surprisignly discouraging experiences to say the least. Full of fake profiles and scammers.
It all comes down to your personal evaluation. Is it worth for You? If yes, then by all means, give it a try! I know the answer is not always so clear cut, but doing your best to arrive at an answer might just be the push You need!

2 years ago
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2 years ago
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Never hurts to get to know someone. Even if a meaningful romantic relationship doesn't pan out, at least you are still putting yourself out there... living life and making friends. Do yourself a favor, however, take the time to get to know yourself during the process as well. Because jumping in head first into a relationship might not go as you intended.

gl;hf!

2 years ago
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I've only been in one relationship that lasted 2.5 months and I regret I ever got involved. She didn't like my friends which meant I shouldn't like them anymore. At the end of it all, any friendship I had either quickly died or died slowly after. Nowadays, I can't even trust supposed friends will answer back when I try to talk to them. So why the hell would I think a stranger would give me the time of day? People just use people and everyone is incredibly fake. ****ing done with people.

2 years ago
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Dunno, I think it's the dating site problem for you. Used to use tinder, but disliked it a lot. It just forces you to come up with something unique or not really every time and it gets very tiresome. Take a break from it and try to meet up people irl.

2 years ago
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But tinder is superficial with judging someone just by their first picture (judging a book by it's cover), and totally not recommend it either.

I am on a site called badoo and you can actually share a little bit of info about yourself (which i did, so i assume the woman has read it and accepted it, although some don't bother to read your profile at all, and if it's coming from a woman itself that atleast be interested in willing to talk, and she lives in my hometown,
I saw pictures from her of a supermarket close by, so i could technically even come across her on the streets.

I am not a type that would go to a bar by myself, i did try to join a board game group but then corona kicked in, 3 months ago it was still closed, dunno about now, but not everything is still open with corona, which also increased the people that are alone, and even went into depressions.

2 years ago*
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Same thing, for me at least. All dating apps/sites work in the same principle. One of my friends used badoo, tinder and maybe something else at the same time with same 0 results.

2 years ago
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I believe (also read in another thread) that such sites (and perhaps people) also differ each per country.

2 years ago
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I think a lot of it is a matter of luck. I met my wife on a dating site, and I was 38 at the time, and have kind of given up, but she contacted me. We had some bad dates and then after a week I called her, had a long talk, to kind of understand where we are, and it was smooth sailing after that.

I can't really offer any real advice on the specific topic of dating. I've never really been one for smalltalk or dating. I do think that it's worth continuing to take chances, in the hope that you get to meet someone you click with.

2 years ago
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Yeah it's definitely also about luck, which some just got more then others in life, it's certainly one of hope, that it seemingly still can always happen even if you have given up, thanks.

2 years ago
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Dont think "it's just you" cliche saying, I'm too old enough to have done the msn and emails, guess it was before all posers, IG gold diggers and food pictures crap. To make things worse if you will, when reach or pass certain age threshold there's a myth that if you're XX and still alone then you must be damaged. This sucks, and the whole internet thing complicates getting to know other people. It was supposed to bring us closer but instead maybe it drove us further apart.
Even friends that used to drop by or talk often are now on their own business.
Think it's perhaps as one ages, it's more common to lose track and be lost to others too, sadly. I don't complain as I'm used to, never had many friends and I dont go out much, even before the "pandemic".

Folks in the forums I frequent will joke about going to gym, jogging, learn something you like, dance, play the guitar, etc

TL;DR so yeah it's not just you. Looks, income and social image may work in attracting certain crowd but to make real contact and meet people who'd want to be around cause of how you are and not cause what you have/can give them. I dont even bother, specially where I live.

2 years ago
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True friends are rare, not the whole i got 1000 "friends" on facebook thing, and it often disappears when they move on, get a family of their own etc.

But i am sure you do some shopping atleast from time to time, come to think of it, that's also something i missed with that whole corona thing, just getting out there even if it's doing some shopping, and be it some flirting or just have some nice smalltalk (most of the time i can't see the difference).

Hope you do end up meeting someone someday, perhaps in a way such as ET3D above posted, they also say you find someone when you are not looking, although if you are not looking they just don't come to your doorstep either. :p

2 years ago
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So a friend and family kept telling me, nobody will come looking to your doorstep :P
I rather have spontaneous bump-ins? IRL while doing some errands than trying to decipher what the heck they're looking for online. Few to none chances of anyone being honest cause of anonymity, fun or simply why not? than the way they look at you irl. I mean there's no replacement for the real thing. A real look unveiled, maybe unbiased too, who knows?

I too hope to find what I'm looking for, even if I dont know it myself.

Nice random insightful topic, Lugum :)

2 years ago
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I don't know. Never been good at that. Maybe you just got a little rusty and need to get into the game some more?

2 years ago
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