Write your own Viking epic! (Jotun GA)

I was at a friend of mine's barbecue and since he's growing himself a beard to look like the main character from the Vikings tv show, he suggested we gather up a few more bearded fellas and go raid an island town nearby.
If that's not viking-y, I don't know what is.

I am the Beard Master! Lord of all Beards!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UEzvc2Pueq8

(Too busy to write an epic saga, got things to pillage and rape.)

There once was a remote little town in a fjord in Norway called Jeggjøreta, who were feared for being fearless warriors. They did not farm, or fish, or hunt to survive, they pillaged everything they needed and then some. Pretty soon they ran out of room for all the stuff they stole, every nook and cranny was jam-packed with food, gold, gemstones and all sorts of useless items like plows and nets. They were definitely not addicted, but it was starting to become a bit of a problem.

One day, two brothers, Hvahunsa and Bramanbror decided enough was enough so they loaded up their ships with all kinds of things they had gathered over the years. The rest of the town came to see what they were doing and laughed when the brothers told of their plan to give away things instead of taking more. "You are crazy, it makes no sense!" the people exclaimed, "It is not what we do, who we are!"
They kept on packing as the towns folk ridiculed them and set sail to a town a few fjords over to see if they could give away some of the things clogging up their houses.

When the locals there saw the ships coming however they all ran towards the mountains and hid, taking with them only what they could carry, dragging crying children with them to safety.
The brothers looked around the town but found not a living soul to give their items to, everything looked as if the people had just dropped whatever they had been doing and left. Next to some boats there were baskets of fish that were still breathing and flapping their tails. The blacksmith had a fire going and a piece of half forged metal lay on an anvil, still glowing red. A cat sat in the town square, looking up into the sky, just staring. A chicken lay half gutted, the knife still in it's chest. In the distance a bear could be seen, shitting in the woods.

"What shall we do?" Bramanbror asked. His brother shrugged his shoulders and replied "I dunno, but we can't come back with full ships, then we would really look like the fools the rest of Jeggjøreta said we are"
So the two brothers decided to unload the ships and leave everything on the docks so the people could divide the items however they saw fit. After an hour of unloading the ships were finally empty and the brothers sailed away, tired, but proud.

From high above the fjord the people that had fled the town saw the ships leaving again and slowly made their way back to the town. As they approached the harbor they saw a black shape rummaging through piles of items. At first they thought it was one of the fierce warriors and wanted to run away again, but then someone said "It's a bear!" Quickly one of the hunters shot it with an arrow and it collapsed and died. He turned it over and saw this was not a big black bear at all! It was two little guys dressed all in black with a bear skin over their shoulders, only their eyes visible and their pockets stuffed with items.

The townsfolk crowded around all the items and laughed and cried. "Thank you! Thank you!" they yelled out, "Thank you Odin! Thank you Thor!"
The clouds opened up and a rainbow appeared. "Thank you!" they all yelled once again.
Suddenly a loud voice could be heard from the sky above the town as the people stood staring up in awe...
"SVARTELISTET!!!!"

It's a bit too late for me to come up with something creative, so here are just two small tidbits of fact:

Did you know that the term "Viking" does not refer to the people living in the Nordic countries in general during the Viking age, but rather it specifically refers to the warriors & pirates who traveled by sea. It's often also used to include seafaring traders from the area, as the line between trader & raider was not always clear cut.

Mead was rather expensive to make, so most vikings (and other Norse people) would not have had mead on a regular basis (instead it would be reserved for more festive occasions). It was not uncommon for fruit to be added to the mead, which gave it a very sweet taste. So the next time someone complains about you ordering a sweet drink, tell them that you're drinking something that a true viking would drink.

Well I wrote this a few years ago, it's a saga-style poem called Dwarfnismal which translates to "Sayings of Dwarves" and is taken from Grimnismal "Sayings of Grimnir(Odin, Wotan, Wuoetan, etc)".

The names all come from the AD&D Dwarven Pantheon in general and Forgotten Realmslore in particular.

Dwarfnismal

All Samanfolk does Allfather feed
the far-famed god of old.
On ale alone does the bearded lord
Moradin, forever live.
...forever live

o'er Faerun Clangeddin and Haela both
each day set forth to flay.
for Clangeddin I ne'er fear he'll not come home,
but for Haela my care is more.

there Erackinor stands, the sacred gate,
and behind're the holy doors.
old is the gate, but few there are
who can tell how it's tightly locked.

five hundred doors and ninety there are,
I ween, in Moradin's walls.
eight thousand fighters through one door fare
when to war with evil they go.

five hundred rooms and forty there are
I ween, in Dwarfhome built.
of all the homes whose peaks I beheld,
my Allfather's the greatest meseemed.

there is Soulforge, where Berronar decrees
who shall have seats in the Hall.
the half of the dead each day does she choose,
the other half does Dumathoin have.

there is Mount Clangeddin, and mithril-bright
there stands the Stronghold stretching wide,
there does he each day command
those who fell in fight.

now comes Gorm Gulthyn, Watchful Tower
ere it is he keeps his Vigil
and Dugmaren in Soot Hall methinks,
master of all lore and runecraft learning

hail to thee, for hailed thou art
by the voice of Sharindlar.
where the Merciful Court stands, the peacebound realm
ye will find nine golden doors.

hail to thee, for hailed thou art
by the steps of Marthammor Duin and of Thard Harr
old is the gate, but few there are
who can tell how it's tightly locked.
My DA page with more poems and shit

Just for fun, off the top of my head, here's a quick kenning-poem about my beard:

Food-catcher
Lady-tickler
Ale-sponge
Winter-cloak
Face-hugger

More authors needed!

I am Bifrost, the sacred bridge between Midgard and Asgard!

When we talk about Vikings, in my opinion, this is one of the best series about them :)

View attached image.

Wake early if you want another man's life or land.
No lamb for the lazy wolf.
No battles won in bed.

We shall raid their catnip stocks,
Drink all their milk,
and feast on the flesh of their mice!

View attached image.

Something that a viking could say? "I discovered America before Christopher Columbus did, but nobody believes me" :p

Merry Christmas from my profile pic!

Taste my Warhammer!

Outside these walls
An army awaits
But in these halls
We feel safe

Countless attacks
We have repelled
They won't turn back
They cannot be quelled

Supplies are running low
Starvation now awaits
Reinforcements will not show
They day is much too late

Broken and weak
Never give in
Prospects are bleak
We can't win

There is no hope
No time for lament
End of the rope
Our lives are spent

We have held out for months
Hoping for relief
Our fortress now our tomb
And salvation now our grief
We have held out for months
Waiting for relief
Our fortune's now our own
This is destiny

Supplies are running low
Starvation now awaits
Reinforcements never showed
As the daylight starts to fade
There's nothing left to lose
We have run out of time
There is nothing left to choose
Expect how we shall die

Open the gates!
Now we attack!
Ride into fate!
No turning back!

Stand by the King!
To glory we ride!
Weapons and shield!
Together we die!

All is lost now!
Show no fear now!
All the world shall know our bravery!

All is lost now!
Show no fear now!
Let's charge for death or victory!

I didn't write this myself, these are the lyrics for Under Siege from Amon Amarth. I'm not creative enough to come up with something of my own, so I get it if you don't consider this valid. It's just an awesome song I wanted to share.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dA7z0TqX2_Q

And if you're curious, they are considered to be Melodic Death Metal and Viking Metal

ᛁᛋ ᛏᚺᛁᛋ ᛖᚾᛟᚢᚷᚺ ᚹᛁᚲᛁᚾᚷᛁ? ᛟᚱ ᛋᚺᛟᚢᛚᛞ ᛁ ᛏᚱᛃ ᛒᛖᛏᛏᛖᚱ?

Should i write something ? My own avatar can do this to me :>

Olaf Tryggvason sailed east with five ships and didn't break his journey until he reached Orkney. At Osmundwall he ran into Earl Sigurd, who had three ships and was setting out on a Viking expedition. Olaf sent a messenger to him, asking Sigurd to come over to his ship as he wanted a word with him:
'I want you and all your subjects to be baptized,' he said when they met. 'If you refuse, I'll have you killed on the spot, and I swear that I'll ravage every island with fire and steel'.

How Orkney became Christian. When a Viking Christian tells you to convert you better damn well do what they say.

BROTHERS, TONIGHT WE DINE IN VALHALLA!

have you seen this http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0097289/ ?
Terry Jones/John Cleese - Monty Python, if you are in that kind of humor

Merry Yuletide upon us all. As we all gather around the fire in our heathen temples, let us be merry and raise our drinking horns to Odin (wisdom), Njörðr (plenty) and Freyr (peace). "May we live our lives to the fullest and may Hrist, Mist Hildr, Þrúðr or Hlökk be clement upon us and our deeds carry on as einherjar upto the day of Ragnorok."

Sorry for the lack of responses but I had a slight case of the deads holiday overtime is best overtime though!

I always wondered why there are not a Ragnarok themed movie yet. But a really mythological one, like the old Wrath of Titans.

The imagery is mind blowing.

I have this image in my head.

Heimdall using the horn, and we can see the Gods at the Valhalla seriously acknowledging the situation, and the Giants preparing for war.

The armys of Muspellheim running over the rainbow (the Bifrost bridge), which collapses, while a giant wolf jumps and eats the sun.

Someone draw this at least. Please.

Can I be a viking by association? I went to a christmas party on the 24th, and my cousin had dyed his beard red, and he was drinking from a Das Horn around his neck.

As I renovated my appartement this summer, I tooked my axe and went berserk on the old furniture in the living room.
Was funny and much faster as to disassemble it with a screwdriver.
Putted the disassembled remains of my furniture it in my 110 PS strong Ford (Remember: Odins Sleipnir had only two PS) and went straight above the Nibelungen-Bridge to the local recycling station.
On the recycling station I was greeted by crows and the smell of decayed oil, knowingly that I have to fulfill my destiny and joined the line of many others who waited in silence. It felt like the begin of Ragnaröck as the recycling station opened the gates and we went in full formation to the containers like Norsemen on the battlefield to face the enemy.
No one has fallen, only a few stumbled because of the heavy weight they had to handle and the trash got sorted.
Another small victory was archived.
Back home I was silently hailed by an empty room. Time to continue the work I began.

True story and please keep in mind that english isn't my first language.

The Fae, after months of voyaging the seven seas finally reach the port of Alcho. Benny, exhausted from their adventures decide to grab his friends and drink at the local pub. After drinking a few liters of beer, they decide to go out on the town to have some fun.

Benny finds a colorful shop in the distance and he founds himself being called. He leaves his friends and proceeds to enter the shop. Inside, he sniffs the scent of rubber as he glanced upon wheels mounted on the walls. A happy thought and a brilliant idea crossed his mind.

"Screw the seas. From this moment on, I'll be known as Benny, the Biking Viking".