Unofficial jokes thread

What did one cell say to his sister cell that stepped on his toe?

Mitosis

Knock knock, who's there? Go fuck yourself.

Story of the Bellman --

A church in need of a bellman decided to place an ad in the local paper. The next day, a man born without arms showed up for the position. At first, the Pastor was reluctant to employ the man, given his obvious disability, but the man assured him that he was quite capable of handling the job. Out of compassion, the Pastor finally relented and hired him.

Every day, when the church bell had to be rung, the armless man made his way up to the belfry and ducked under the bell. Once there, he took a running start and slammed his head against the bell, causing it to resound with a loud "BONNNNNNG!" After a second or two, he would take another running start and again slam his forehead into the bell. "BONNNNNNNG!"

And so it went.

Every day, the armless man would ring the bell, and every day the people would talk about what a marvelous Bellman they had. One day, however, during a visit by the Prime Minister, tragedy struck. Running late, and nervous about the important guest, the Bellman rushed up to the belfry and took a running leap at the bell without first getting underneath it. Rebounding off the bell, he fell with a cry and came crashing down to the ground, below. Shocked and dismayed, the churchgoers gathered around his fallen body, the ladies weeping openly. "What a tragedy!" said the Prime Minister. "Who is this poor fellow?"

"We never knew his name," replied the Pastor, "but his face sure rang a bell."

Quick Q&A session:

Q: Who designed first Point & Click Interface?

A: Smith & Wesson.

Q: How many Microsoft programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None, they just make darkness a standard and tell everyone "this behavior is by design"

Q: How many IT Support people does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Have you tried turning it Off and On?

Q: How many Pentium chip designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: 0.999994637287432

Q: how many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: none, that's a hardware problem

Q: how many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Light bulb appears to run on Windows, as it stops functioning after a seemingly random period of time and the only known fix is to install fresh copy.

Q: How many prolog programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Yes.

Q: What's the best thing about UDP jokes?

A: I don't care if you get them