Unofficial jokes thread

What's the definition of a will?

Come on guys, it's a dead giveaway!

Q: What did the banana say to the vibrator?

A: "What are you shaking for, she's going to eat me!"

well, i try to translate one to english:

two mathematicians and two physicists go in a train to an congress and talk about the train tickets. the mathematicicans say they only need one ticket for both while each of the physicists has one. just before the ticket collector comes to check the tickets and the mathematiciant go to a toilet and pass the ticket under the door to to ticket collector when he knocks, so everything is fine and the only needed one ticket instead of two. after the congress one physicist says to the other: lets do the same as those mathematicians and only get one ticket. the mathematicians see that and do not get a ticket at all. in the train just before the ticket collector comes, the physicists go to a toilet. one of the mathematicians fowwowes and knocks on the door ....

what do we learn from this: physicists use mathematical methods without really understanding them.

There once was an old man who had an enormous house, a huge garden, and a large amount of money. He also had a servant who had worked for him a long time. This faithful fellow cleaned the house, kept the garden looking nice, and took care of the old man who stayed in his bed, because it was very hard for him to move around. One day as he was lying in his bed, he called his servant to him and said “I’m getting old, and I know I’m going to die soon, so I need you to do something important for me. I want you to get all of my money, put it all in my biggest suitcase, and then put the suitcase in the attic.” “Why do you want me to do that, sir?” the servant inquired. “Because I want to grab it up on my way to heaven” replied the old man. The servant tried to explain to him, that it was impossible for him to take anything into heaven, but the old man wouldn’t change his mind. The servant eventually agreed to do this. He got all the money, put it all in a suitcase, took it to the attic, and placed it in a spot that was directly above the man’s bed. About a week later, the man died. After the funeral, the servant went back to the house to retrieve a few of his belongings. Out of curiosity, he decided he’d go check the attic. He pulled down the steps, went up, and sure enough, the suitcase was still there with all the money in it. He stood there for a moment or two, and then said these words, “I knew it! I knew it! I should have put it in the basement!”

Steam Greenlight.

How many fishermen dose it take to screw in a light bulb?

At least three, and you should have seen the size of that bulb...

Here ya go

I'm happy I learned sign language, it became quite handy!

When I walked into my sisters room I tripped over a bra, it was a booby-trap!

What did the green grape say to the purple grape? Breathe, you idiot!

I tried to catch some fog earlier. I mist.

I'm reading a book on anti-gravity, and it's impossible to put down.

What did the triangle say to the circle? You're so pointless.

If someone guesses from what game this is they can have a free cookie :D

some good ones from here

A mathematician, a physicist, an engineer went again to the races and laid their money down. Commiserating in the bar after the race, the engineer says, "I don't understand why I lost all my money. I measured all the horses and calculated their strength and mechanical advantage and figured out how fast they could run..."

The physicist interrupted him: "...but you didn't take individual variations into account. I did a statistical analysis of their previous performances and bet on the horses with the highest probability of winning..."

"...so if you're so hot why are you broke?" asked the engineer. But before the argument can grow, the mathematician takes out his pipe and they get a glimpse of his well-fattened wallet. Obviously here was a man who knows something about horses. They both demanded to know his secret.

"Well," he says, "first I assumed all the horses were identical and spherical..."

A mathematician organizes a lottery in which the prize is an infinite amount of money. When the winning ticket is drawn, and the jubilant winner comes to claim his prize, the mathematician explains the mode of payment: "1 dollar now, 1/2 dollar next week, 1/3 dollar the week after that..."

"Do you love your math more than me?"
"Of course not, dear - I love you much more."
"Then prove it!"
"OK... Let R be the set of all lovable objects..."
Top ten excuses for not doing homework:
I accidentally divided by zero and my paper burst into flames.
Isaac Newton's birthday.
I could only get arbitrarily close to my textbook. I couldn't actually reach it.
I have the proof, but there isn't room to write it in this margin.
I was watching the World Series and got tied up trying to prove that it converged.
I have a solar powered calculator and it was cloudy.
I locked the paper in my trunk but a four-dimensional dog got in and ate it.
I couldn't figure out whether i am the square of negative one or i is the square root of negative one.
I took time out to snack on a doughnut and a cup of coffee.
I spent the rest of the night trying to figure which one to dunk.
I could have sworn I put the homework inside a Klein bottle, but this morning I couldn't find it.

--

poop poop poop poop poop

Who are the fastest readers?

911 victims. They went through 100 stories in 15 seconds.

Too soon? :/

my name is pepperino, i no born with hands and no go school so i no speako english good. i need u help to be doctor pepperino so i can hav hand too. plz no copy pasta

What's the difference between a truck full of sand and a truck full of illegal immigrants ? You can't unload the sand with a pitchfork.

A SLICE OF PI

                ******************
                 3.14159265358979
                   1640628620899
                    23172535940
                     881097566
                      5432664
                       09171
                        036
                         5

Teacher: If you have 10 chocolate cakes and someone asks for 2, how many do you have left?
Me: 10
Teacher: Okay, well what if somebady forcibly takes two of the cakes, how many would you have left then?
Me: 10 and a dead body!

two chemist walks into a bar, the first one said, "i have a glass of H2O", the second chemist said, "ill have H2O too",. The second chemist dies

Schrödinger's cat walks into a bar. And doesn't.

Three guys go to a ski lodge and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

A woman goes to a pet store to buy a parrot, she sees this beautiful parrot and ask the shop keeper:
"How much for this parrot?"
"It's 5000$, he belonged to a princess, he speaks 5 different languages."
"Don't you have a cheaper one that can talk too", she asks.
"Well, I do have this one for 50$, but he belonged to a whorehouse so his vocabulary is pretty rude"
"Ok, i'll take it."
After paying for the parrot she bring him home, uncover his cage and the parrot starts screaming:
"A NEW WHOREHOUSE, A NEW WHOREHOUSE"
The lady isn't really pleased but still thinks she got it for a good price.
Her daughter comes back from school, sees a bedsheet covering something new in the living room, she uncovers it. The parrot sees her and starts screaming again:
"A NEW WHORE, A NEW WHORE IN A NEW WHOREHOUSE"
She quickly covers the cage and run to her bedroom. After a while the husband comes back from work, the woman happy about her new purchase wants to show it to her husband, she uncovers the cage and again the parrot starts screaming:
"A NEW WHORE, A NEW WHOREHOUSE AND STILL THAT GOOD OLD FREDDY"

A parrot walks to a bar and asks the barman.
"I want peanuts"
"I don't have peanuts" replies the barman.
The parrot walks away.
The second day the parrot comes back.
"I want peanuts"
"I told you yesterday, I don't have peanuts" says the barman.
The parrot walks away.
The third day, the same parrot comes back to the bar.
"If you want peanuts, i'll nail you to that wall!!!!", says yells the barman.
"Do you have coconut juice?"
"Huh, no...."
"So I want peanuts!"
The barman can't stand it anymore, he grabs the parrot, grabs his hammer and nails then nail of the parrot wing to the wall, then the second and goes back behind his bar.
The parrot looks left, right and see the see the christ on the cross and asks him
"You too wanted peanuts?"

What do you call an Arab on an airplane? A Passenger.

Best joke ever

How many Sopranos does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. One to dramatically open a door, and...

Anime joke

Knock knock

(Dang, almost used Kongregate's forum formatting).

Kid: What is his name?
Mom: Winnie the pooh
Kid: Why?
Mom: Why what hun?
Kid: Why do we need to poo?

Q: What's worse than a dead baby in a trash can?
A: A dead baby in 5 trash cans...