Tales of Fortix - The Knights of Ix and the Fort of the Four Ticks: Part 2

"Well, we could charge in?" said Toksvig, the youngest of the Knights of Ix.

"But, did you not see the size of those ticks? Besides, their fort is huge. And one of them told me my mother smelled of elderberries, which just isn't on but shows they mean business." replied Vandross Von Lutherson, second in command.

"Well, here is the situation for the sake of getting anyone who didn't read part 1 up to scratch with the short and simple plot, and so that it is apparent I am the leader, because I know what's going on." said Gregor. "We filled out the forty-four forms we need to fill out for the forty-four departments to get all forty-four to agree to our forty-fourth war, then we rode for forty-four days, took the right turn at the forty-four forks, passed the forty-four fjords, crossed the forty-four fords to the forts of the four ticks for to defeat the four ticks, before forty-four fords, forty-four fjords, forty-four forks in forty-four days, another forty-four forms and then we'll be heroes. Is that clear?"

"Almost certainly not!" was the unanimous reply.

It was no easy feat for a Knight of Ix. The lands were silly, and at times simply getting to action was the most difficult part. As a result the Knights of Ix, since the time of the defeat of the Dread God, had slowly become...well...soft. Like ice cream on a hot summer's day, it was refreshing in a world of international conflict, but there weren't half a lot of drips. As a result, the Knights of Ix were somewhat reticent to engage in conflict. Would their armour protect against tick mouthparts? How would their weapons fare? They didn't know, and they were afraid.

"Psst..." a hushed noise came from around a corner. "Round 'ere!"

Gregor went around the corner to see what was going on.

"Oi gawt dis roight good pestisoid 'ere. Take 'em ticks owt in seconds 'n' detach 'em bloody 'orrid towers too. Oi ask nuffin'n return 'cept your permission to allow me me ol' lands here in Ix, which was so 'arshly taken from me." said the mysterious man in his funny accent.

"Good sir, pray tell me, where are your lands and why were they taken from you?" replied Gregor.

"Oi 'ad a bit 'a dispute wi' some dem other fellas - took me land clear away." the stranger said.

"That seems terribly unfair, and this potion you have, this formula, how does it work?"

"Oi don't bloody know do oi!? Jus' a damn land-tiller I ain't got no toime for brewin' owt but ales. I ain't no bloody soientist!"

"Apologies sir. But you are certain it will work?"

"Aye, sure as anyfin'."

"Then, good sir, we shall give you back your lands in exchange for this. I thank you for your assistance!"

"Welcome."

And with that, Gregor obtain the pesticide solution and the mysterious stranger had the promise of his lands back should it succeed.

"Guys!" Shouted Gregor, "Guys! I've got the solution. A creepy, vague and nameless stranger just gave me this solution. The solution is our solution!"

"The solution's the solution - you're talking tautological tautologies! What are you on about?" Vandross Von Lutherson asked.

"I have a solution - a pesticide. It will kill the ticks and send their towers collapsing to the ground. All we have to do is help an old farmer get his land back!"

"Well, let's get a-sprayin'!"

So, they set to work, travelling between the four forts of the four ticks, spreading their pesticide.

"Nooooo! You shower of bastards!" Blodge shouted from the top of his tower as it plummeted to the ground. "Arggllllgrrrlllllgllllubbblbllblblbllbblblblb..." were his now famous last words. So famous were they that, ten years later an after dinner engagement, the representative from the Royal House of Ix planned to use them as a warning to any future foreign invaders of Ix. Quite ironically he choked on some cheesecake just as he was giving his speech and was not assisted as people thought he was delivering that particular line. Tragedy really.

The Knights of Ix successfully repelled their monstrous invaders. But what of the old farmer. Did he get his lands back?

"I say sir," Gregor uttered at a shadow, "I say, farmer. Your pesticide was of a great help. We have deterred the ticks. Now, how to whom shall we speak about getting your land back?"

There was a silence, then a cackle. The man's shadow seemed to get darker, and darker, and with a turn of his head Gregor could see - his final sight, I might add - that it was...

...

...

...THE DREAD GOD, IX, ALL ALONG!

DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!!!!!!