i had a dream i was a muffler last night, i woke up exhausted

Q: What do you call an emo a capella group?
A: Self harmony

A bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'll have a .................................... beer. "The bartender says, "Sure thing, pal, but why the big pause?"

It's hard to explain things to kleptomaniacs because they take everything literally.

Thanks!!

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

My life

A dyslexic man walks into a bra

oh uh I'm not good at this. th-thanks!

A chicken has two legs, especially the left one

Sorry, i'm bad at jokes but wanna say thanks anyway... So thanks!

I recently read this one (only works when reading the spelling): How do you tell a plumber and a chemist apart? Ask them to pronounce "unionized".

Also, bonus: http://i.imgur.com/H2B29AL.png

A physics professor and his assistant are working on liberating negatively-charged hydroxyl ions, when all of a sudden, the assistant says, "Wait, professor, what if the salicylic acids do not accept the hydroxyl ions?" And the professor responds, "That's no hydroxyl ion; that's my wife!"

Did you hear about the trucker that lost his knob on the job?

His Union got him a new Peterbilt...

An elderly couple were sitting in church together. The wife leaned over and whispered to her husband "Gosh, I have some gas today, luckily they're silent."

The husband replies "Darling, you need new hearing aid batteries."

Thank you! :)

-Dude your cat looks like a dog...
-It´s a dog
-Damm, looks like a cat.

Good lUck to everyone

Thanks a lot!

thank you

thank man