The inner machinations of my mind are an enigma

Much like the thoughts of a starfish revolve around milk spilling onto a table, the thoughts behind this development team was to have a janitor throw dead elves into a fire.

This elaborate message contains two keys. One is located here if you can recall a letter-morph-only Caesar Cipher of 25 with each hypen-separated rune set in the key potentially reversed in direction, but only reversed for an even set and ordered normally otherwise: 96HVQ-LUKPP-PDVXC

X is a potato.

0 is the codenumber for butter.

7 is the codenumber for salt.

Forget the above, it's actually 7.

Z is an axis potentially used for the graph in which butter and salt are combined.

I still believe the cheese is better than the salami and bologna combined.

P is the value of salt minus butter.

9 is the new value for butter.

= P minus butter

= butter X butter - butter X salt - butter - butter

. . . don't remember the point of this encryption, so here's the rest of the key except for the last letter: 2707

Merry Christmas in two weeks.