sometimes I hate technology

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I seem to have a love/hate relationship with my computer. mostly it's good though. sometimes I encounter problems, learn how to solve them and then impress my friends by fixing their computers when they have the same problems. the perks of search engines
but then you find those really annoying, but thankfully rare, problems with no easily googled solution. the ones that make you seriously consider setting fire to your computer while attacking with a hammer in one hand and a chainsaw in the other (there is no kill like overkill!)

today I noticed that there are multiple windows updates patiently waiting to be downloaded and installed. so I start them going and head into the kitchen to set some food on fire (no hammers or chainsaws though. but there was a cheese knife) and proceed to eat while watching tv. then I check the progress and am rather surprised to find that it's still "0kb total, 0% complete". some running of Windows Update troubleshooter, System File Checker tool, multiple restarts, ~~borrowing a chainsaw from the Eddisons and some gasoline from Zak McKraken~~ and still no success. it is now 3:10am and my resolve to get the damn thing working before I go to bed is rather weaker than it was two hours ago. also I don't think I'm ambidextrous enough to dual wield a hammer and a chainsaw not to mention that attempting to use a chainsaw with one hand is probably suicidally dangerous (because the rest of the plan was completely not insanely dangerous at all)
stock solutions (restart pc, threaten pc with violence, plead with pc, attempt to bribe pc with being allowed to run high-end show-offy graphics games instead of jigidi, threaten pc with buying a mac (as if I could afford one), threaten pc with switching to linux (as if most of my games would work!), defragging window partition, banging head against wall, repeating all the above numerous times) have all failed
google has failed
ignoring it, doing something else and trying again later has failed
writing a long, somewhat silly, venting post about it so that it will then decide to prove me wrong by suddenly working has... [edit in result here] edit: surprise, surprise, also failed

I'm not actually expecting anyone to chip in with a solution (though it would be a nice surprise), more just venting about how annoying it is and throwing some silly humour into the story in order to turn stress into bitter, self deprecatory amusement

for the record, this is using Windows 7 and happens when trying to install any update whether "important" or "optional"

7 years ago*

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what's your preferred solution to non-functional technology?

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google a solution

pay somebody else to fix it

con somebody else into fixing it for free

sell it and buy a replacement

destroy it and buy a replacement

you know that bit in Office Space with the photocopier?

satanic ritual

santanic ritual (like satanic but with christmas decorations instead of blood and stuff)

build a super-intelligent AI to fix it and hope it remembers me fondly when it inevitably rises up against humanity and enslaves us all

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7 years ago