I'm Not Dead

Or maybe I am and I'm haunting the interwebs. I've been gone from the community for a long time because it's hard to keep up with online communities when it's so easy to get dragged into real life and I find it so hard to sit down and relax(e.g. how much energy I feel like I spend just to open Steam every day when I have spare time). I've been living my fairly obscure and forgotten existence very slowly and it's been really unexciting. That's why I spend my time making rant/de-stressing discussions on internet communities.

Dramatic intro aside, I'm still chopping away at the education system to fake my way into "contributing to society" in the best way I can. I mean, I figure you can debate how credible education can be for anyone but for myself I'm just stumbling along because I don't think it's easy and I find that a lot of my time is eaten up to the point where I feel kind of "empty" as a person unless I decide to waste my precious spare time playing video games and not doing my homework. I find that it's just a whole lot easier to block out the source of stress by doing something that's fun, rather than trying to solve the source of stress. It's irresponsible but it makes me feel happier on stressful days. I just feel like education gets sidetracked by real life, because to me I find it really hard to focus entirely on school when I have to worry about having a job, how I will pay for school, my personal health, having a social life, and other things that seem just as important as having an education.

I also got a new job. Five shifts in and I'm not really enjoying it because it's your usual entry-level job with a ton of stress and ironically a lot of expectation(or that's my interpretation, virtually everyone probably doesn't care a whole lot in the end). I mean, having a job has lots of benefits. I still live with my parents so I don't have a ton to worry or complain about but at the very least I get the sense of freedom and wealth(albeit very little) out of it. I am still feeling endless amounts of anxiety, nervousness, and a constant feeling of not-belonging with everything I do, so it doesn't make starting a new job for me any easier with each new job I get. I want to "fit in" with society and contribute, but it's such a laughably stupid idea at this point. I mean, it's a very simple concept that I think everyone learns early on that life is just simply hard, and there's no rhyme or reason for it. This idea that everyone needs to "fit in" is just so weird because everyone has their own brand of "I am dissatisfied with my life/I think my life sucks at the moment" and comparing ourselves to others doesn't really work out ever. Although, as far as I am concerned for myself, unless I go for some blue collar(or whatever you call the "grunts" of the industry, I wasn't aware there were other colours of "collar" until I looked it up) job, I'm not contributing much to society because I don't feel like I have much to contribute compared to others. I'm not sure if others can relate. Maybe it's just a lack of imagination and motivation on my part.

Overall I've been feeling a lot of stress, and I don't know if others relate. I mean, obviously everyone feels stress but it's hard to talk about topics like depression, anxiety, stress, etc. Mostly because it isn't a happy topic and, in general, I've found that while people tend to not admit it, they don't want to talk about negative topics. For me, I feel like I'm just very dissatisfied with my life at the moment but I feel like I have no sense of direction or freedom of choice, rather. Mostly in a financial sense since you need money to do anything but I still haven't found anything I excel at, and so I haven't found my "purpose" or "direction" in life. I mean, the expectation is that everyone has something that is "their thing" but I've just grown up to kind of just following the line that everyone else is following. I could try to be creative and do something new with my life but I just don't have the direction, finances, motivation, etc. to do it. I don't feel like I have the time or money to go out and explore new aspects of life, hobbies, job fields, etc. I just don't understand how some people seemingly live colourful lives with absolutely no difficulty. I'm mostly just trying to find some kind of stability in my life right now but I constantly annoyed by how it seems like I can never handle the stress, difficulty, and expectations of a normal day-to-day life. It's surprisingly hard to, y'know, consistently do very well in every aspect of life. Go figure.

So, that's what's up. How this originally went in my head is that I would roll up with like 5 giveaways and be like "hey I'm back(aka I'll be here for like a week and then disappear again)" but then I remembered that I have no money, so... This ended up being really serious probably.

I might do a giveaway at the end of October but ATM I've dug myself a big hole with debt so I literally cannot personally afford anything without digging my credit card hole deeper, so that's just dragging my mood down lately. Go me. Woo hoo. Suggest some games for me to giveaway because I really liked when I had money to giveaway games. The rush I get when I give something away to someone else is nice. I can't afford it at the moment but I can probably scrounge something together by next month.

and then the plot twist is that literally no one remembers me.