Got an iPhone? Love Final Fantasy? Avoid this.

I bought "FINAL FANTASY ALL THE BRAVEST" on iPhone, thinking it'd be a neat little game with upgrades and buying characters with gil and such.

I've never been so disappointed with a game in my life. I'm posting this here to warn you all, and save you the money I have now apparently tossed down the drain.

Ingame, the actions you can perform consist of the following:

• Viewing the map
• Going to other map screens
• Entering levels
• Viewing your current characters, weapons, and enemies fought
• Buying in-app purchases for "premium" characters, weapons, enemies, maps
• Swiping your finger across the screen to contact any available characters and use them to attack
• Spam a link to the game on your Facebook or Twitter
• View some game center achievements and rankings
• Viewing dialogues

For those keeping track at home, that's a total of ONE actual gameplay action available to you the user. I've bolded it so you can see it more clearly. No upgrades. No strategy. Heck, calling that a gameplay action is too generous, the only skill to it is how fast you can swipe your finger (SPOILER: Your characters have a long refill bar, you don't need to be awfully fast.)

I'm ashamed of you, Square Enix. Fellow Steamgifterians, do not buy this game. If you get it any way, don't say ol' Cyclone didn't warn you.

This game is, and I am bolding this for emphasis, an interactive screensaver for all intents and purposes.

I'll be sitting here dejectedly bemoaning the wasted money.

Despite all my rage, I'm still just Nicolas Cage.