You are probably aware that I tend to go AWOL for long periods when life gets too rough on me.
And it has been rough to hellish the last couple of years.

I already posted over at Steam at my favorite groups to let people know, but I never could pull myself together enough to post here too.
Until now, I guess.

Although my husband didn't want to admit it, the cancer was slowly getting the upper hand.
Which isn't too surprising as he had forfeited on all mainstream medical treatment and put all his belief in an incredible quack treatment that was really insane.

He went to a hospice on April 8th, the nurses that gave him home care the last couple of months had tried in vain to convince him to come to the hospice.
He refused, cause that was the end of the line, that meant he was going to die.
He had so many plans and projects still going, things he still wanted to do etc. Some of them also insane, over the top and incredibly expensive.
But at least he tried to make the most of the time that was left.

By the time he finally agreed to hospice care there wasn't much left of him.
I wish it would have been easier to talk to him, to talk to him and with him about the reality of him slowly dying of cancer.
It wasn't possible, he pushed me away, he pushed reality away.

I could go on and on about what happened the last couple of years, but I am slowly getting to the point that in the end it's all water under the bridge. And it's just so incredibly sad that we both suffered so much.

My husband enjoyed his stay in the hospice, the volunteers there were all so nice to him and gave him such loving care.
He didn't get to enjoy it very long.

April 12th, on Easter he died.
I am hoping he's at peace now, cause the last couple of years he suffered tremendously.

I've basically been a basket case the last month.
Still there was a funeral to arrange and somehow I managed to pull it off.

Now it's time to heal, heal from the injury inflicted on me and heal from the pain and injury I sustained myself by not being able to break the pattern I was in, not being able to abandon my husband. It's complicated and it's a mess.

My husband also left me with a humongous mess to deal with, sort out and try and sell off.

I grief, I mourn, I am angry, I am exhausted, I am a bloody mess.

I need to take baby steps to stay afloat, to allow for some self mending but there's also a ton load of shit stuff to deal with.
The stuff my husband bought, collected, the unfinished projects: that's a bloody mess too!
I have a temporary place to live, which is great and much needed! Cause my house kind of exploded with all the bought stuff and the hoarding/collecting mania my husband developed.

Baby steps, that's all I can do.

TL:DR:
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https://www.steamgifts.com/giveaway/1O1SX/molek-syntez
https://www.steamgifts.com/giveaway/C8oNa/raiden-v-directors-cut-lei-dian-v-directors-cut-lei-dianv-dao-yan-jian-ji-ban
https://www.steamgifts.com/giveaway/UU0Vq/the-bards-tale-iv-directors-cut

1 month ago

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So sad to read that, i wish you all the strength in this path of healing.

1 month ago
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It's so sad... Please, be strong and let the time to smooth your pain. Try to remember and keep in your memory forever the best days with your love, not the saddest.

1 month ago
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I'm sorry for your loss. I hope time will heal the damage you incurred through this awful situation, and that you manage to live a wonderful life from now on.

1 month ago
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I'm so sorry to hear of your loss.

1 month ago
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Gecondoleerd 😔 I too wish you a lot of strength during these trying times.

1 month ago
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Someone in my immediate family also has cancer. While there's no death involved, so I can't completely relate, I can understand the awful journey it is to endure chemo and hospital stays. Feel free to PM.

You've got this.

1 month ago
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I lost my father to cancer last year. It's truly a terrible thing to watch someone you love succumb in such a prolonged way. Try to focus your memories of him on the times before the disease, and know that the things you did do during his last weeks made a difference.

1 month ago
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So sorry to hear of your loss. I wish u al the best in life. Stay safe and Stay strong ❤❤❤

1 month ago
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Sorry for your loss and the situation you've had to deal with.
You wrote of both your suffering, I hope the worst has past and you can start to rebuild your life now. Things like this never leave you, but it sounds like you have the right mindset. One step at a time, get things in order and take stock.
Make use of your friends if and when you can, don't go through this alone.

1 month ago
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Sorry to hear that, i wish you all the best in this bad moment.

1 month ago
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Its too sad for me :( you are stronger than me, i would cry even just reading about it :( much Love from me! <3 community will always love you!

1 month ago
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Sorry to hear about the ordeal you've been through. I hope you can move forward, get a handle on the remaining mess, and start seeing a bright future ahead. Best of luck.

1 month ago
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So sorry to hear, I hope you get well!

1 month ago
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Wow. My most sincere condolences to you and your families. I know what it's like to lose people I know to cancer. I know this is going to sound a little odd to read, but my mothers friend and my friends mother, two different people, both died from cancer within two years of each other. They didn't know each other, but are buried in the same cemetery.

Take your time. Don't feel obligated to come places, but please, do come back when you feel ready and are in a better place.

It's won't be easy, but one day you will be able to overcome this and be a lot stronger. And you will have all the wonderful memories of your time together.

1 month ago
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Sorry to hear that..
I hope you will get well soon!

1 month ago
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You've been through quite an ordeal, cheshire, and I'm both sorry for your loss and yet grateful that you're now "free" from the emotional abuse he'd been putting you through for so long. You may feel like a mess because everything's been so chaotic, but you have more strength than you give yourself credit for to have endured this. There's still a lot to deal with in this aftermath and it's so easy to get overwhelmed, but while taking those baby steps, remember to take time for yourself and just breathe. A dear friend of mine shared some advice that she was given when her world was collapsing around her and she felt helplessly swamped by the myriad of things she now needed to do and figure out. Her best friend gently smiled, hugged her and said, "That's not for now." Take those baby steps and deal with one thing at a time rather than everything at once, and take some of that time to do nothing at all but allow yourself to heal. <3

1 month ago
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I am sorry to hear about your loss.

I hope you get better soon.

I would like to recommend you Kind Words on Steam, it's a small "game" about helping each other.

A warm hug.

1 month ago
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It does all sound hellish, sorry you had to deal with all that...

Good luck with getting everything back to some kind of normality

1 month ago
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My condolences to you. Go at the pace you need to, and it's okay to slow down and be sad too. I wish you all the best <3

1 month ago
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It will take time and a lot of steps. I hope that in this sad time you still will find some pockets of joy and try to focus on those

1 month ago
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My condolences.
I've been through similar situations myself, I can say it takes effort to blindly push through until things start to look better again.
Take your time, break down the mess you're left with one manageable chunk at a time, and you'll get there in the end.

1 month ago
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I feel so sorry for you. :(
No matter what I write - it doesn't matter. All I can say is wishing you to stay strong.

1 month ago
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Condolences

1 month ago
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I am very sorry. I never really know what to say in times like these. I guess there isn't much to say anyway.

Just take your time and take care.

1 month ago
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Sorry for your loss.

1 month ago
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