Baby don't hurt me.
In all seriousness, are you interested in an interactive discussion, or just want to read thoughts/suggestions?
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Thoughts/suggestions. When you come to my age most already have someone, kids etc etc you know, today at "work" (a job experience thing) so one of us could easily be gone again within a few weeks, so with a posibility not to get to know eachother a bit better.
There was this new girl, 37, single, lives one street across from me, not really had a wow thing but we did had a short but nice chat.
We were supposed to do a chore together but then i was called away for something else for the whole day, she goes there thursday and that's my day off, so the only day i'd see her again will be monday.
It's been really really long since i had any feeling of "wow" and like yes i am in love, i honestly don't know if that's maybe an age thing too, if it's just me, or a select group that also have shut themselves off, maybe even physical.
Just all around me and i think it just happens a lot in general people get together, and even stick together in a thing that's basically turning into more of an acceptance thing (and sometimes also financial) rather then both actually still loving eachother.
Divorces are also high these days.
Maybe try to understand what love is to other people.
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There's some interesting science around how brain juices interact with intensity of experience. My wording skills are not feeling up to par today, so please forgive my bullet-point formatting.
-Depression & anti-depressants can affect intensity of moods. Even if you think you're doing ok, it doesn't hurt to talk to your dr.
-Your body develops patterns in how it produces & reacts to chemicals in your brain. Some things to consider: Are you exercising at least weekly? (No seriously, this is a thing). Have you been challenged by new experiences in the past year? New experiences build new and novel pathways in your brain.
As humans, as we age, we tend to fall into patterns. These patterns help keep us safe, but they diminish the "spice" in life. The honeymoon period (used here as that time of intense emotion where it overshadows all the smaller stuff) of a relationship is built around that "spice". Generally speaking, this honeymoon period is where we develop that intense feeling of being "in love" with someone.
These new things don't necessarily need to be extreme like skydiving. It /could/ be as simple as taking up knitting, or getting into a new genre of media, but you're more likely to experience the progress if you challenge yourself more. New environment, new people, some level of physical activity, something that challenges you or has some element of risk, and most importantly, something you throw yourself into.
Experiences that meet these conditions help your brain be able to experience intense emotions & attachment. If this isn't you, that's ok, there's some other tricks that can help. (I still -highly- recommend trying this even if it isn't something that sounds like you. Just like exercise, it's work that doesn't always pay off until after you've been doing it for a while.)
Novelty & risk help build a honeymoon period. Here's some things to try:
-Keep texting about how you enjoyed last time, and when the next time you're going to meet is. The more you leave to be discovered in person, the more exciting your dates will be.
-Avoid "getting to know you" questions. Don't ask about the boring stuff like where they work or what shows they like to watch. Ask about what adventures they've had. Get them to tell stories, or tell stories yourself.
-Plan multi-location dates. Don't just meet up for dinner then go home. First go to a playground and swing together, then get dinner, then go walking downtown. Our brains do weird things with time when we travel to multiple locations instead of stay in one place.
-Avoid casual hanging out until you're well past falling for them. Once you've been accepted by a person to just exist in their presence, the excitement typically drops. This can be the early death of a solid romance.
-Group dates. No seriously, this can help more than you expect.
-Travel
-New and novel experiences together. All those "stupid" or "gimmicky" date night things? those work. Don't start with those, but after date 3 or 5, they can really help the bonding experience. Trying new things together with risks. Paint & wine nights. Cooking dates. Escape rooms.
-Break trust boundaries in stages. If you have sex and sleep over on the first date, you're facing an uphill battle to build more excitement. Try to stage that stuff out over time. The slower the progression, the more opportunity you have to build intensity.
Obviously not all of these will work for everyone, and while they may work for you, they may not work with your potential partner.
But if you're into science. The chemistry and psychology around this are pretty fascinating.
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I'm not sure how much my words will help but I think you should honestly give yourself (and the girl - maybe she's interested to give you a chance too) a chance. Find and make use every opportunity you can to hang out and get to know each other. Be your best self and if it's going to happen, it'll happen.
It's been really really long since i had any feeling of "wow" and like yes i am in love, i honestly don't know if that's maybe an age thing too, if it's just me, or a select group that also have shut themselves off, maybe even physical.
It might not be an age thing. Personally, I think that if you know someone better and you gradually realize that you both are compatible enough to maybe start something new, that familiar feeling of "wow" may start to build up.
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No more.
Just do it, can't give you good advises because I'm coming back to the market too.
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Just try, until the right one will come.
If he/she doesn´t come, you will have some good days and experiences (and some bad maybe, too)
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Clicked expecting Haddaway, got Haddaway :)
I can't really give any useful suggestion about love tho, only got into a relationship once for a few months and that was 8 years ago. Also I don't really know how I got myself into that relationship back then, I just kinda stumbled my way into it without noticing.
I'd love to have a partner but I have no clue of how to look for one.
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A lot of people will be saying you won't find it if you start looking for it.
Got this colleague that went to a pub each time and could not find anyone, then went to a hardware store and moved in with that girl the next day, also here i read from someone that met someone by chance, i believe it sometimes does happen by chance, but if you don't look and lock yourself up the whole day inside or something or never open your mouth to a girl then not much will happen either.
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Is not that I don't talk to people, is just that I always end up making friends and that's it. I've been told to be more straight forward and go for it but I either simpy don't get it or I really do have some sort of mental block about this whole thing.
Did the guy really moved in with the girl after a day or was it hyperbole? Cos, wow.
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Sometimes a friendship can result in more too.
Yeah be'd easier if a girl would just flash a big neon sign saying hey i like you.
He really did move in with her, and he wasn't even a brad pitt type or anything, so yeah smooth.
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I've been single for so many years in my whole life, for many reasons.. my character/nature is quite difficult to deal with and I bear some issues such as chronic pain, psychological illnesses since I was a teenager, and I've also to add to all of this that I'm asexual, but I've really never been interested in contacting other asexuals just to find a "partner" who maybe shared just this tract with me, which to me is totally irrelevant. So, I had a love story back in my teens (started before I began to develop illnesses and such) and it lasted for a few years, but it was extremely shallow.. we didn't have cell phones back then but yeah we used to chat a lot and it was so "stereotypical teenage love".. we never managed to know each other. Due to my lonely nature I had very very very few other experiences (I can call it a "relationship" one or two times maybe in 10-12 years), and being totally disinterested to sex I have never had other sexual experiences too of course.. then I knew a girl with whom I started developing a really mature relationship, even because we're both adults, we don't go to school anymore and so on, and I started to feel everything you described and all those things a thousand times stronger, while until then I went through years of isolation and loneliness and I always thought I'd never find anyone and I also thought I was fine like that.. well, I think I managed to find an awesome girl by my side and it's been two years so far, but if I had to bet when I was 25 or 28 I'd never have thought I'll develop such a relationship in my future.. so keep everything open, we never know what's going to happen in the next days, years.. never have fear.. =)
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But if i can ask she is also asexual, you got a relationship but without so much of that part?
If you are in your late thirties, still want kids you feel pressure. ;) i just saw so many relationships that turned into an acceptance thing, that can work, but maybe i want the whole soulmate thing, and i did find that once too but that couldn't go further because of complicated reasons, when you got to meet eachother in such a special way, such a strong pull yet still be kept apart. Hard also to figure if it was just not meant to be (in this life) and i have to meet someone else, or i do meet someone and then the pull would be strong on that other one with all the complications that's gonna bring.
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yeah, this is quite a weird issue since she had few sexual experiences before, so she didn't know precisely what she wanted to do.. I have to say that we're still experiencing and talking to each other, and to other people of course about these issues.. I think that the love I'm experiencing now in my 30s can't be compared to my teenage love even for what concerns this part! I'm not totally asexual, I mean, I don't like sex or other sexual acts but somehow if she's happy I can do my part =P
and for what concerns kids, I was totally firm in my decision not to have kids and not to marry before I met her, so things have changed so much.. I was so sure until my 28th birthday or later that I'd never have kids.. Italy sucks in every way and raising children here isn't a great perspective, plus I had the fear to transmit maybe psychological illnesses or even physical illnesses to my children, who knows.. but I'm starting to want kids too and yeah, I'm in my 30s too so I feel some pressure.. it's hard every day, but now I feel it's worth fighting for it!
Well, I can totally relate for everything you wrote. I saw all my acquaintances, relatives and so on.. most of them turned to acceptance relationships, they have kids and such but they just have few friends and they hadn't that much to do apart from marrying and having kids, still working every day and going through a hard life without many positive things or satisfactions.. it's just acceptance, and if I'll start to feel such a thing I'd for sure try to talk to my girlfriend and clear everything out since yeah, I still think in my 30s that I can have this love story exciting and full of happiness. I really wish you the best, you deserve such a relationship and as I said, mine is not that long so it could turn out to be an "acceptance" thing too or we could even break up, who knows? It's been just 2 years or so.. I really hope everything will go in the best scenario possible and these years I'm thinking love exists in this way too..
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Yeah and in these days too people staying for the house/finances.
One thing does have a positive when you get into relationships at a bit later age, is that you will appreciate it more now, and thus less prone to go start a midlife crisis. :p
Thank you and i do wish you the same luck too and that we might both have children some day, though we can still have them when we are 70, but if that's wise ;)
And well personally i would want someone a bit my age, when you are 70 and you have a 20-30yr wife, brrr you know..
And for some 1 partner is enough for their whole life, some it takes 4 marriages to find the right one, there just is no written ruleset for it. Only time can tell.
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I totally agree with you, with all my life experiences (and yours too since we're both in our 30s all in all =P you probably have way more experience than me!) I find it hard nowadays to believe in everything and live a teenage romance or a love story without taking into account money and many other things.. when we're adults we appreciate way more many aspects of relationships and we're prepared to deal with everything - I'm prepared for many things that will or may come in my future, and I'll deal with them with experience and strength.. I wasn't definitely able to deal with break-ups and similar things in a positive way many years ago..
Yeah we're men and we could have children whenever we want in theory but.. I feel a little pressure too since I'd hate to be an old father, I mean, I think that it's often hard to raise a kid if you're too young but since I'm growing through my 30s I'm thinking that if I'll get too old it wouldn't be wise to have children, plus I'd HATE to have a girlfriend like 20 years younger than me.. ç_ç I mean, we would have lived totally different ages, we didn't have things in common and it would be weird.. I agree, more than some years of difference between the two isn't something I'd like too..
And to link your last phrase to the asexual question, yeah, I had some partners and many years of being totally single between them (zero kisses or anything else with anyone due to my lack of physical feelings/"drive"), while my girlfriend had virtually no partners, so there's literally no rule.. I think I won't have strength if everything will go wrong with her to start and search again, and I always wonder if for her it's good or bad not to have had many "true experiences" before me.. but as you said, for someone having 1 partner is enough for an entire life and time will tell if maybe I'll marry and divorce too and find something next.. =P
good luck again, you're welcome! =)
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Love is a cruel joke played upon humanity. I don't believe in it anymore.
Well, love between people that is.
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What is love?
physically i have felt a lot less feeling in my bone
one hand waiting for that special feeling
might never come anymore
-- Lugum
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Think Squall has a good one;
Why do people depend on each other?) (In the end, you're on your own.) (I've made it this far by myself.) (Sure, I couldn't do a thing when I was a kid...) (I've depend on others, but...) (I'll be the first one to admit that I'm here because of other people.)...(I'm fine by myself now. I have all the skills I need to survive. I'm not a child anymore.) (That's a lie. I don't know anything. I'm confused.) (I don't want to depend on anyone. How can I do that?) (Someone tell me...) (Someone? So I'll end up depending on others after all.)
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Since I'm not really sure where you're going with this, it might help if you asked yourself - "Is it meaningful or is it infatuation?" If you need help to differentiate the two, real love is an action word... and is neither selfish or self-serving.
I hope this helps.
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I'm not qualified enough to answer that question, sorry (-ω-、)
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Bunch of rejections over years and utterly disappointing attempts and Im getting more and more unenthusiastic and unwilling to get out there
Its interesting now to think back how much I texted and spent my time on phone..
Ive really fallen in love with one person, with who nothing worked. I still have feelings that I have not felt since.Maybe thats the reason I cant really get myself to go out of my way to meet someone (as Im not much for parties and clubs).. Being sceptical towards that fuckaton thats tinder, I dont know how to meet someone..
Ive been moving around in the last years. Traveled for work..Been so occupied by everything that I didnt really pay much attention to finding someone. Altough did meet a girl in my new Uni group (started masters studies) who left me speechless and it was weird to feel it after not being romantically interested in someone for a long time...And then it turns out shes already in relationship and the little bubble bursts. Im not even old but everyone around me are getting married and having kids. Two of my oldest friends (who happen to be a couple) are already planning wedding.. Ive been to 3 weddings (as a photographer) but I think there have been 5 or 6 weddings of acquaintances already while Im here playing games, laughing at lame jokes and still being a kid at hearth..
I dont want to lose that free spirit in me but more and more it feels society exists just like that and that I have to give in not to dig myself even bigger hole.. I might still be in my youthful bubble who hasnt really grasped what the world is about - look at it how you want but I know I cant say that I will live in the same city after at the beginning of 2020. Or even the country. So how do I find someone when living like that
Who knows what love is. I think we grow to love a person and there isnt really love from first sight.. Yeah you might be mesmerized by looks and some of the characteristics we learn in those first meetings,but love comes later. When we know the person in and out and still want to see them.
I cant even go for younger girls (which around age of 20 are single) because I havent really met someone who isnt a complete bitch in the words truest form. I just cant deal with lack of seriousness.. and then you have complete opposite - overly serious girls that dont get humor or dark jokes or whatever.. And when I look at my age or older its always the same story - stable relationship already or very rooted life in some city without a chance of leaving
who knows who knows
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...but also physically i have felt a lot less feeling in my bones, hard to explain to myself, impossible to google, and difficult to explain to someone else.
I don't know you that well, so I'll just suggest; could it be that you're depressed from feeling lonely or having lived socially isolated for a relatively long time? That's the most common thing that I can think of that causes you to feel less emotions. For instance, feeling disconnected from society/friends/family/etc or feeling like you haven't found your place in the world can cause depression. It can also be pretty hard to realize when you're depressed, so talking to your doctor about these things is important. Or at the very least get another perspective from other people who know you well "IRL," if you're wondering why you're having this issue. And I'm not just parroting what I've heard from others, I'm talking from personal experience.
Either way, I hope you figure it out.
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No some might think that, but i really feel there is something physical, dunno if i should even go there, but lets say the "sexual urges" just 5 years ago they could be all through out the place, and suddenly it dropped a lot and it been that way ever since, then pretty much that feeling in love thing also disappeared. and you could still say depression maybe.
But then i had all sorts of health related issues like 3 times almost suffocating in a piece of food (apple), bouts of shortness of breath, digestive issues and other things, like in the whole air/food trajectory in your body maybe something is blocked or stuck, or if you take it spiritual my chi, my life energy isn't flowing properly.
I tried telling that to a doctor a few times but they don't really do much about it either, and you shouldn't google medical issues but there just isn't 1 thing i came across like this is exactly what i have, i can find some symptoms for some things like galstones (which might not even give you (much) symptoms but it's never an eureka moment.
I did have a heart MRI (had to get one anyway), i stopped with alcohol 9 months ago which i hoped would help but didn't.
Thanks.
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OMG Haddabump!
You have to try, you can always spend some nights alone with tears in your eyes
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This reminds me of the watching romance movies. Love is a fickle emotion and cannot be easily understood.
Give it time and your best effort. Either the relationship develops or diminishes over time.
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you are now just in the Fomo trap ( fear of missing out )
fact that love is something fake you need to know that the man love is different far different from the woman love
men go for instinct love passions while women love what the men can do for her what things she can benefits from him
don't trap yourself in that love trap
if you are a man build yourself educational career make money and women gonna come to you sooner or later
build yourself to be in a high statue and you will gain a higher woman
big problem in western society is that women are more powerful than men when it comes to marriage issues >>>>> she is always winner
so you either go for a pump and dumb or go for marriage and good luck then
be sure the woman you want to be with or to marry be sure that she is submissive and obey her man
girls nowadays want to marry but don't want to be wives and that's a very big problem
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I'm not sure where you get your information but that is some of the worst relationship advice I've ever seen.
build yourself to be in a high statue and you will gain a higher woman
A relationship is about give and take, it's not about status or obedience. It's not abut money, power, or dominance. It's not about 'being a husband' or 'being a wife'.
A person that does not respect their significant other does not respect themselves. If you cannot treat your spouse with mutual understanding and equality, then your relationships will be destined for failure. One will end up resenting the other and there will be bitterness between them.
Build yourself up for yourself, not for others. Stay away from shallow people who judge others. Maybe you think you want to 'gain a higher woman', but how will you feel when your luck is down and she leaves? Find someone who loves you for WHO YOU ARE, not what you are and what you own. Someone who won't leave you fending for yourself when you are sick in bed, someone who will be there for you through it all- that is what true love is all about.
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your talk is true but for old women generation
girls nowadays are not like our mothers or grand mothers
almost rare to find a woman who will stand with you in your hard times or when you are broke
don't deceive yourself you beta boy
but since you believe in that delusional love thing then logic talk will not work with you
only emotional talk will work with you which mean you will be weak for whole your life
end of talk
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You must be fun at parties. xD
You want to avoid taking personal responsibility like an adult and to blame the world for your problems, that is on you. Perhaps the reason you feel like you do not meet more women you appreciate (and who appreciate you) is because you are looking in the wrong place and for the wrong qualities.
But I am sure it is easier to blame everyone and everything but yourself.
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nah, he's totally right.
women are evil. misandrists!
nowadays.
😈🤪🤡
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"I overgeneralize women, think lesser of them, pretend like I'm better than them and that I don't need them. This makes me alpha male. Everyone else is beytaaaa!" It's like he came straight from the Middle East!
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Either I'm too old for the big burning love, or I'll just never experience it. Still there are many ways to show appreciation and care, so I'm good to go :)
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It is strange to grasp! I was lonely for many years. Never though I would meet a companion. Met a girl and now it's 22 years later and now I know we will grow old together. Many of my friends are still single in their 40's and 50's. I don't think it subsides, but many people give up.
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Everyone has an initial 'honeymoon phase' when they first fall in love, I don't think that feeling would be any less intense with age to be honest.
When you are with someone for over a decade, it is hard to describe but the way you come to define and expect love changes. In many ways it's much better, less volatile; but some might argue there is less passion.
In the end it's about companionship and being in a relationship that makes you mutually happy. My only advice I can really give is to not set unrealistic expectations of yourself or anyone else. Don't ever try to change anyone, don't ever try to change yourself for anyone else. Love can quickly turn into resentment. A spouse that is also a best friend is much better to build with.
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What is love?
This is a question to which I know the answer. I do not know whether you actually want the answer, or you are simply exploring your own thoughts about it with the goal of figuring it out for yourself. There is much to discuss when it comes to Love, enough for two weeks of lectures or more. Most people, however, want the Cliff Notes version.
For starters, you might want to consider the difference between Love and Infatuation. Despite how commonly the two are confused for one another, they are not the same.
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So how would you explain to someone what the difference between love and infatuation is?
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There are many differences between the two, but I suspect you are actually seeking the answer to a different question. The primary thing most people want to know is "How can I tell the difference?"
Heart pounding? Palms sweating? Find it difficult to speak in front of him or her? He or she is constantly on your mind? Trouble sleeping and/or loss of appetite? Can't help staring at him or her when he or she is around? And when the person leaves, you feel a pang of loss. Like an addiction, you are irresistibly drawn to this person and cannot bear to be without him or her. That is Infatuation. It usually strikes suddenly, but even when it sneaks up on you, it still hits like a truck.
When you are in the grip of infatuation, your feelings seem to be beyond your control. Love, however, is on another level. Love takes your feelings and sets them on the shelf. As far as Love is concerned, your feelings are unimportant in comparison to the one you love. Where Infatuation is exhilarating and reckless, Love is calm and determined. Where Infatuation is excited by promise and discovery, love is founded on experience and familiarity. Infatuation rocks you with its intensity, but love is far more powerful. It is also far more substantial. Infatuation comes, tarries, and then just as quickly fades. Love puts down roots. It is founded on knowledge and respect of the one loved, and cannot easily be forgotten. This is not to say that love is necessarily "forever." Like a plant, love must be cared for and nurtured to remain healthy. If neglected, it withers. If poisoned by the waters of despair, it becomes hate. Unlike a plant, however, Love is a choice which cannot be undone. Consciously or unconsciously, whether you desire it or not, the moment you choose to appreciate the reality of something, you come to love it.
[I apologize in advance to non-Native speakers of English who may have difficulty with the meanings and nuances of the words I chose. My explanation may be difficult to follow, but Love is something with which we are all familiar. We need only to examine the feelings we have for friends and family to comprehend it.]
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You've made one thing perfectly clear to me.
Pie may be a mistress, but pizza is my love.
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Actually, I was looking specifically for how to explain the difference between infatuation and love to someone else. I know how to tell the difference myself, but I wasn't sure how to explain it to someone else. What you wrote helps. I may even save this and read it. :)
And as an aside, I really love your prose. When you're not busy playing games and moderating SG, do you perchance write professionally?
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And as an aside, I really love your prose. When you're not busy playing games and moderating SG, do you perchance write professionally?
Thank you for the compliment. It has been a while since I made my living as a writer, but I suppose the answer to your question is "Yes." Lately, I have been receiving encouragement to start something online but have yet to make that move. I find my life of quiet anonymity much to my liking and am reluctant to abandon it. Unfortunately for me, circumstances may soon dictate that I do so.
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Did you stop writing, or just stop writing for a living? What did you write, if you don't mind me asking? Could you write online under a pseudonym, and thus maintain your anonymity?
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I (mostly) stopped writing because I was simply too busy with other things. Too much to do and not enough time to do it. When it comes to writing, I don't really have a limit as to what form I use. I most often write short stories and poetry, but I've written pretty much everything at one time or another. Scripts, screenplays, novels, essays, plays, music, poetry, short stories... All writing is within my purview. Fiction or non-fiction, I use whatever suits me at the time.
As for pseudonyms, they do not truly ensure anonymity. Before there were search engines, there was Kilgore Trout, and the world is now a smaller place. The internet is as much a bane as it is a boon.
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Not being familiar with Vonnegut, I'm afraid I don't understand the reference. I get the sentiment you're expressing, and I concur, but the Kilgore Trout part is unfortunately lost on me.
Do you fear that your writing would attract attention, that even with a pseudonym people would seek you out? Are you that good? Are you retired from your main profession? Am I annoying you or digging too deep with all my questions?
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Kilgore Trout was a fictional character of Kurt Vonnegut's, and Philip José Farmer wrote a book under that pseudonym. Eventually, it was confirmed that Farmer was the actual writer.
Do you fear that your writing would attract attention, that even with a pseudonym people would seek you out?
My writing under a pseudonym has already attracted attention. It's all over the Internet. As I no longer use that pseudonym, however, I am currently out of the spotlight.
Are you retired from your main profession?
I have had several careers, already, and there is a possibility I may begin something entirely new. While it is an opportunity for me to do a lot of good, it would destroy any chance of me being able to return to a life of quiet anonymity. In other words, I would be sacrificing myself for the greater good. That is not an easy choice to make.
Am I annoying you or digging too deep with all my questions?
Not to worry. My conscience is clear, and I am careful not to give away too much on a public forum.
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My writing under a pseudonym has already attracted attention. It's all over the Internet.
I am now even more intrigued to read your delicious words. Is it something you might share via a more private chat?
While it is an opportunity for me to do a lot of good, it would destroy any chance of me being able to return to a life of quiet anonymity. In other words, I would be sacrificing myself for the greater good.
I see, and sympathize with, your conundrum. I can't advice you one way or another, not that a stranger's advice really means much. And you say you would do this good via writing? Would you write to expose corruption, or raise awareness, or educate, or something else entirely?
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I am now even more intrigued to read your delicious words. Is it something you might share via a more private chat?
No, sorry. It's still up in the air, and even if I decide to "bite the bullet" and do it, it seems best to keep it quiet, for now. You can still read what I post in the SteamGifts forum, however. )
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Oh, I meant your old works, the ones you said were already out and all over the internet.
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I shut myself off (maybe too much) for a long time for love, because (finanacial) reasons and such, but also physically i have felt a lot less feeling in my bones, hard to explain to myself, impossible to google, and difficult to explain to someone else.
We all know how love can be strange, difficult to grasp, impossible, etc etc etc, but does it subside for most too compared to when you were like 20 years younger, like completely smitten? When you wanted to mail/text 20 times a day?
On one hand waiting for that special feeling you had back then, but might never come anymore, or on the other hand fall in a trap of you are single, i am single why not try it out for the sake of it?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HEXWRTEbj1I
https://www.steamgifts.com/giveaway/T6TVu/shuyan-saga
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