My condolences to your loss, but I am glad you are getting ready to come to terms with the loss based on your post. Keep going strong, and we're glad to have you here!

I like sleepy kittens. Hope you do too!

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thanks for the ride :)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n2mzXnFTS6E

Tahnks and enjoy. :)

I went through something similar a few years ago, but I didn't know how to manage it. Alcoholism, depression, suicide attempts... That's why I'm glad to see that there are people with the strength and wisdom not only to move forward, but also to inspire others.
Thanks for the train, and for being a good person

Your thoughts remind of one of my favorite quotes:

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives: Be kind anyway. If you are successful you will win some false friends and true enemies: Succeed anyway. If you are honest and frank people will try to cheat you: Be honest anyway. What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight: Build anyway. If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous of you: Be happy anyway. The good you do today, will often be forgotten by tomorrow: Do good anyway. Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough: Give your best anyway. ~ Mother Teresa.

My own little goal is to leave every place I am, better than I found it - or at least not worse!

In regards to what you have suffered, paraphrasing another borrowed quote I often recall is that life is like a walk in a garden. We stop to smell and enjoy the flowers we encounter. But we may not pause too long, ultimately we must leave each flower behind... but only so, can we encounter new, equally beautiful flowers ahead. I am strongly melancholic, but realizing the truth of that walk in the garden, I choose to not remain sad. I like to think I am a "merry melancholic". Although, as a melancholic, I am not usually QUITE so excited as the two cats below! :)

Thank you, J, for your wonderful attitude and reflection!

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I'm not sure what anyone has to do to get on your heartlist, but this defo made you get onto mine.

Thanks for being such a wholesome person

It was a nice puzzle and train!

I think people associate grief with death, but in my experiences, I've griefed more of what could have been than what I truly lost. My dad was diagnosed with a severe heart disorder shortly after I was born and though he lived 25 years after that diagnosis, to say he lived would be generous. His debilitating pain left him disabled, in pain, and struggling with mental illness and prescription pain medication addiction. He took his suffering out on those around him, mainly my mom and me, because he felt his illness robbed him of the best years of his life. We lived every day because he had given up and was just waiting to die.

As an adult, I took care of him but couldn't have a close relationship with him. He had hurt my heart badly growing up but I recovered and maintained my mental health as best I could. Even though I took physical care of him till the end of his life, I had to keep an emotional distance, so when he had angry outbursts and his grenade-like existence inevitably went off, I could survive the shrapnel.

I feel like I have lived most of my life in the five stages of grief and when my dad passed last August, I still feel guilty to say it was a relief. For him, me, and mom. No one else knew outside of us knew what our situation or he was really like. I feel like we were finally able to start life again, Mom was finally able to work and have friends again. I was able to live my own life without having someone constantly rely on me for their basic needs. I still work in healthcare but I feel content, compensated, and like I'm actually making a positive difference now.

All three of us grieved what he was and could have been. He used to be active, outdoorsy, and musically inclined. He wanted to be a father before I was born, before he got sick. Mom couldn't leave him because she knew and missed that person. I regret that I never knew that person. I wish I could have had a present, loving dad in my life. But I know now that he wanted that too and that hurts the most. There are only a handful of positive memories I have of him (playing his guitar before his hands stopped working, his storytelling, and our mutual love of rock and roll) and I treasure those dearly. With his death, I've finally been able to conclude my grieving process and heal.

I learned a lot from everything we experienced. I'm a more compassionate, nonjudgmental, relatable, and experienced caregiver and human because of what I've been through. There was a lot of pain in our lives but I've processed it and overcome the grief, letting go of what happened and the 'what ifs'. My mental health has stabilized well, I'm stable and can handle most anything life tries to throw at me now. I learned early on how to recognize abuse and it's helped me dodge toxic relationship bullets like the Matrix, haha. I'm happy with life now and it still hurts, especially when I hear one of our songs, my heart is at peace knowing that we are all free from the pain now. If there's an afterlife, I hope we can meet there again and we can have that relationship that we both deserved.

Whatever grief or loss someone suffers through, I hope that we all find a way to endure and grow from it. It can be a painful process, but it's not neverending nor fruitless. Never be afraid to grow or start again. Neither life nor grief is a straightforward process and your feelings are always valid and worth working through. Just don't give in, don't give up! <3

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Bump and meow

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Bump! Thanks for the ride :)

This is a really nice train J! Here's a cat bump! =)

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Your lights reflected now, reflected from a far. We were but stones, your light made us stars.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eQfQMGFdAGc

dwnq

I haven't dealt with grief much in my life yet, thank goodness. There is the exception of a very beloved cat who passed away when he was around nine years old and I still mourn his death. I hoarded and collected every black cat figurine or plushie I could find for a short time and I couldn't bare to look at our other cat. She insisted on loving me, though, and she became 'my' cat and claimed ownership of me through my tear-streaked face. This was in 2017 and I was an adult but it still hurts. He's buried in the backyard and will hold a special place in my heart forever.

Then there was my father's cancer diagnosis. He's had several now. And his open-heart surgery. He's alive and kicking but we've had some close calls. Being irreligious myself, I reached out and was searching for something comforting for me personally that I would read at my father's funeral. This poem has become one with me philosophically and brought me a lot of strength in the past few years.

It goes:

Do not stand
By my grave, and weep.
I am not there,
I do not sleep—
I am the thousand winds that blow
I am the diamond glints in snow
I am the sunlight on ripened grain,
I am the gentle, autumn rain.
As you awake with morning’s hush,
I am the swift, up-flinging rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight,
I am the day transcending night.
Do not stand
By my grave, and cry—
I am not there,
I did not die.

Well, uhh, ohh... I'm not thanking you for this awesome train, of course. I'm just leaving a little bump here.

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Your positive attitude and the strength you showed in the past year in trying to overcome this difficult moment in your life is truly admirable. You're an inspiration for everyone who faces similar challenges.

And here's something that made me laugh yesterday when I stumbled upon it:
https://www.instagram.com/p/Cc7vgStq8J2/

Bump for this awesome train!

Bump!

Moving on is painful and difficult, and I'm glad you've managed to do it. May the fortitude it took you to do it become a guiding light for the rest of your life. :)

I just wanted to say that so no kitty pictures for now, but maybe later?

Long time ago I did know this nice helpful girl... one day she was hit by a drunk driver when she was just walking down the road and speaking with her boyfriend on the phone... he did hear the accident... the driver was a drunk police officer that didn't stop to help and even tried to quickly repair his car claiming he did hit a deer... she died on the side of the road... he probably heard not only the accident but also her dying... it messed him up...

Bump!