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There once was a cat named chartreuse who tried to climb up an apartment building so it could watch the ninja parade go by. Once the kitty got to the top of the building everyone looked like ninjas so he couldn't tell if the parade was happening or not so he looked sad but also cute like cats do and one of the ninjas came by and was like 'awwww <3' so he picked up chartreuse so he could train him to become a ninja cat. the end :D

My heart raced as the whistle was blown. We climbed the sides of the trenches and up the ladders as fast as we could screaming at the top of our lungs. Man after man was being torn down by artillery and machinegun. I saw our commander, with his foot on a rock, motioning his arm towards the enemy trench. He was blowing that whistle as much as he could. I was ducking in and out of shell holes, mud was flying everywhere.
As I climbed out of one hole, I saw our commander fall. I heard no scream, just silence. I continued forward, not knowing if my comrades had seen him fall. As we drew closer to their trench, their rifles opened fire. I felt a burning sensation in my chest and crumpled to the ground.
The air around me was cold, and the screaming and shouting sounded fainter and fainter. All I heard now was my breathing and heartbeat. I was never a big believer in God or religion. Now that I am on my deathbed, it is a different story. Will I be remembered at home? Or will I be another name on a wall to be forgotten as the generations pass.

So, i woke up one morning and well the cat was on my face and "claimed the territory" sorta thing. My mom gives me a towel and purell but i say WTF thats gunna burn my eyes out She doesnt agree she just wants me to wipe my face out. Then i go on google and search How to get cat piss off your face and the first result was a girl materbauting so i called my girlfriend and she got to work but once i was done it didnt work so i ended up killing my self with tomato juice
GG kids GG

one upon a time i was flying on my pig while a wild sea monster attacked my turtle and removed his tail..I HAD TO DO SOMETHING AGAINST HIM
SO I TOOK MY ANTS AND MADE SCISSORS WITH IT AND DESTROYED HIS LAPTOP

now im a cow.

Once upon a time, there was man named John Freeman who was playing 1/2 life, but then got sucks up intoz computah. When he got sucked in, he found his cousin, Gordon Frohman, but then he turned into Gabe Newell. John Freeman had no wepons so he threw vollitile isotopes to kill Gabe Newell. Unfortunately, the isotopes made him bigger, and changed him into Headcrab 100000 lb Flabby Fat Gabe Newhale. Then Gordon Freeman came, and said, "I will use crowbah to stop him," but then he was crushed by Gabe. So John Freeman grabbed sum pillz and found golden crowbar and used it to make Gabe Newhale explode. The explosion caused a 1/4 life, and earth went boom.

Fin

After dying, you realize that over us there is a floating world formed by the farts of 5000 million people. And when we die, the poor people go to the area stinks of rotten eggs, and the rich people to the area that smells like Oreo cookie.

:)
thanks for giving me the opportunity to tell this wonderful story xD

So,there was that boy ok?His name was Steve.He was walking warily down the street with the brim pulled way down low.There was no other sound except of his own feet.A machine gun was ready to go."Are you ready?HEY!Are you ready for this?". Someone asked him.And then some magical dust got in his mouth,and he was forced to bite it.

(any similarity to persons living or dead is purely coincidental)

there once was a cow. He fell off a cliff. He hit a rock and his guts spilled everywhere. He died. The end.

Alright. I had to quit my job because after being there a year with awful pay, my boss forgot to submit my form to start getting medical/dental insurance which i badly needed and was the only reason I was working there. Awesome luck there. I had a little bit saved up so it was ok for a little while. I only had a small handful of friends here, and one of them literally gave me his old car (for 1 buck) since he just got a new one. (it was a 2002 chevy metro, (chevy bought out geo) and it had like 50k miles, 5 spd tranny, perfect car for this high gas prices crap.) A week later, A kid I knew told me that if I wanted a job, to show up at this auto part delivery place the next mourning. Awesome, i have this perfect car to do delivery's, they pay for gas, and since the car takes so little, my luck is turning around! I get there, and I know the dispatcher who was a friend of a friend, and I wait around waiting for a call to come in to do some delivery's. I get the part and the ticket, the dude tells me the general direction of the gas station that ordered it, and off I go to make some $$$! 5 turns later, on my first delivery, for my new job, in my car that was given to me, i get into a head on collision car crash. I couldn't move, barely breathe with the air bag dust, and I have this lady screaming in my window because she crashed into me.... Luckily some guy that was behind her pulled her away and tried to help me, but couldn't get my door open since my little hatchback was crumpled. Before I know it, I'm in the hospital, and I'm calling my parents to come down there, to tell them that I had just broke my back. On my first day on the job, my first delivery, in a car that was given to me, I break my back. Best part, now I barely have any friends because after that, they stop talking to me and shit. Not because of the car or anything, but because there pathetic lives resolve around weed, and since I didn't have any, I wasn't cool anymore lol. Friends of 15-20 years... This is a real story btw.

Once upon a time, there was a horse. The horse used to run and run, and enjoy his silly little life. Until one day a toad came to the horse and told him that: "Beware of the bewitched sunglasses". The horse of course didn't understand what the toad meant, especially because toads mummble. So the horse carried on with his silly little life.

The days have passeed, and our little horsie got older. He didn't run anymore, he just slept all day long. "Come on boy, let's go for a ride" said his owners (yes, he's not a free horse. Sad, isn't it?). The horse said: "I don't know dawg, I'm kinda lazy today". The owner got really mad, so he pulled his gun and shot the nearby rabbit. The poor rabbit dropped dead at once.
At the horse's amazement, the snake that was travlleing in the neighbour's house saw the lizard jumping across the toad. So the horse thought to himself: "Umm, this must the part of the story that has absolutly no point". Stalin couldn't stop laughing when he heard that. His stomach hurt so bad from laughter, that WWII never took place (Ohhh, time travel).

So remember kids:
Always listen to the toad.

http://image.shutterstock.com/display_pic_with_logo/66941/66941,1243834004,4/stock-photo-frog-with-glasses-31227961.jpg

I have seasonal allergies. So, this morning, when i woke up, i sneezed. Crazy right ? But, this year it's way better then before. Last spring, my eyes and nose were red and puffy and all bloody from all the ''scrubbing'' i did.

This is a real, true-life, story brah.

It was a dark and stormy night, a huddled figure scurried across the square and ducked into a doorway to get some brief respite from the weather. He then proceeded along the western most extent, ducking into doorways as he went until finally he reached the boarding rooms of Mr Grayson Threlfall, hatter to the "King". 2 rings on the bell, all's well. An eternity passed as cold water dripped down his neck before, at last, the dark ash door gave way to the welcoming face of his partner in crime, Bill Jenkins. After shaking off his overcoat and shedding his thick black boots, Dr Eustace Hammond proceeded into the drawing room where he saw the withered old hatter tied to his tired leather armchair. "Let us begin..."

Bill excused himself to stand guard at the door but the good doctor, concentrating, barely noticed, by neccessity. Installing the implants was a delicate procedure in itself but all the more important, he couldn't afford any clumsy, unsightly scars on this one, not like Bill. If he were to pass at court, get close to the pretender, the hatter would need to appear normal as ever.

As the dawn fast approached, the hatter's skull still open, the bell rang, twice, waking Bill with a start. He stepped over the hatter's housekeeper and peered through the window by the door. Seeing only a woman seeking alms, he went to the judas hole to send her on her way. The slot was barely open before the woman's blade touched the back of his skull. From the first bell ring, Dr. Hammond had seen everything through his down-link from Bill's ocular implant. By the time Bill was at the window he'd wiped his tools clean. By the time Bill had put his hand on the judas hole's slat, he'd reached the back door; Scarlet had been known to work with a partner but he had no choice. A second later, Scarlet's stiletto had plunged through Bill's eye and Dr. Hammond was running for his life through the back alleys of London. The ancient order of assassins he worked for would not be pleased to hear of his failure, but at the very least he could appease them with the death of one of their most brutal and successful foes. Without stopping, he pumped the remote detonator until he heard the explosion.

WILL Scarlet survive the explosion? CAN she uncover the secrets of her past and DESTROY the ancient order of assassins?
Scarlet Sweet returns next week in another EXCITING TALE of MYSTERY and INTRIGUE!

(Also, this is a true story, I was that judas hole)

My first gift for your comrades! Good game for your! The buying of this game has a very interesting story: When I put money to the my webmoney account in supermarket, two gangsters ask me to pass them forward of the queue. I refused, I take a risk, to make your happy!
http://www.steamgifts.com/giveaway/s7ri7/time-gentlemen-please-and-ben-there-dan-that-special-edition-double-pack
old story

From a show in Norway called Paradise Hotel (From a dumbass called Iselin, she told Norway this story.)

One morning at 5 o'clock woke up 22 year old Susan DeLucci of Kittery, Maine (USA that is) with a painful need to urinate. At first she thought she had diarrhea, but when she got out of bed, she realized that it was a urinary tract problem. It was very similar to the feeling of having diarrhea, but the wrong hole. She wobbled to the bathroom and as she sat down on the bowl gives her vagina is the most horrific fart noise anyone has ever heard.

In paralyzing pain, Ms. DeLucci sitting and push and squirt out of a burning tide of filth and mud while she clings to the toilet, the bones are completely white. She was screaming wildly, and the neighbors called the police. When medics arrived they found Ms. DeLucci lying unconscious on the floor without anything other than wearing robe. Down her leg was a stream of brown and green syrup. The physician must transfer her to a stretcher, so he grabbed her left leg, which was bent over her right, to straighten her out. She is all twisted up. When he lifted her left leg to straighten her body out, he sees a creature, the size of a fingertip that crawl and wriggle its way out of her vagina. The lands on the floor with a wet popping sound.

Shocked, the medic stared at the creature that was lying on the bathroom flor know in a casing of mucous.
There is a small shrimp and it's on the floor gasping for water while flipping back and forth. The horrified doctor felt the nausea spread and turned to the toilet to throw up. When he put his head down into the toilet to throw up, he saw something so frightening that he never failed to look into a toilet without convulsing. The entire toilet bowl was boiling with baby brown mud shrimp flipping and splashing at a furious pace. If you think this is bad - wait until you hear how this happened:

Miss DeLucci cause of death was a combination of shock and severe head trauma. She got up from the toilet in pain and when she saw what she had done, she went into shock and fell, smashing her head on the toilet and then on the floor. It is believed that she was two days before had purchased a live lobster at a fish market. As she lay in the tub, she gently inserted the creature's tail into her vagina to derive sexual pleasure. Then she held a lighter under the creature's face, causing it to flip its tail back and forth in a violent snapping motion. The medics found a lesbian XXX video in the VCR and the TV was sitting on a chair in the living room so she could watch TV from the tub.

They found them in the kitchen garbage can, wrapped in a paper bag. Traces of Ms. DeLucci DNA was found on the lobster along with pubic hairs that had wedged in the joints of the lobster tail party. The lobster's face was lightly burned with the same fuel used in lighters.

The lobster's digestive track and colon were full of mud shrimp egg casings. Doctors believe that the lobster had eaten them (they are common in the water at fish markets and are usually harmlessly boiled to death). The lobster had crapped them out into Ms. DeLucci vagina when she was torturing the poor animal. Maine mud shrimp uses only 2 days to hatch, and Miss DeLucci was only 4 days away from getting your period. The doctors said that at this time in cycles
n had her uterus a perfect PH - balance to raise these prawns. Over night the eggs had hatched and the mud shrimp began doubling in size every ten minutes. You can imagine the pain she had when she awoke in the morning and gave birth to well over 1,000 mud shrimp in the bathroom

One day half life episode 3 came out... then I woke up, the end

One time on a computer game, there all nice players go played fair and what not..

Once upon a time, I noticed my iPod touch had a "print" option in the notes app. I tried clicking it, and it instantly detected my HP wireless printer. Thinking this was too good to be true, I hit print. Then, to my astonishment, the document just printed. No drivers. No hassle. It just worked. Best part? Its a true story.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/AirPrint

TL;DR: Some technician accidentally put a feature into iOS devices that makes printers just work.

Story time? STORY TIME!

“IT’S NOT A FUCKING VARSE!”

Crunch, Three pounds of brain turned to mush, along with Jim’s face.

Porcelain shards littered the floor where Paul stood, blood pooling from Jim and a cut on his thumb he hadn’t even felt.

It wasn’t as though anything mattered, the vase certainly wasn’t worth more than a few quid and the bone would heal in time, so why bother? His mind wasn’t giving him anything to whine about, why should this? All he had to do was twist time like that and maybe knot space like so…

Those thoughts gathered about his head as he stood there, cluttering cupboards filled to the brim with shed rage and blood lust waking. How ironic it was then, that the stains only grew, but, were they even stains? Surely there was a point something had to pass before it departed the puddle stage…

Now that he realised them for what they were, he knew what was wrong, they weren’t his. They didn’t even seem human at all, for that matter. There must’ve been thousands of them, ranging from the beginning of time to… the end. The end of freedom and the downfall of whatever-the-hell-the-thing-was. Reduced to flitting from newborn mind to newborn mind like a mental flea.

Yet again, clutter. Useless tendrils of tripe slipping through from it to him. He knew how to stop them alright, but was the price worth it? This seemed like mans dream since the beginning of religion, freedom from the idea that his fate was set in stone, ruled by a arrogant deity far above them forever more.

Ah well, time would tell and space would speak, assuming such things even exist of course. He never knew how you could confirm that, as senses could lie, like a blade sharp enough to slice through flesh without pain.

Then, for not even a moment, he saw it, a vision of the immortal parasite in all its synapse frying complexity, and the thought that came to his mind was from yet another unknown source.

“Consign it to the bin of flesh and the prison of the mind; chain it down with life and matter.”

It didn’t look that bad an idea really, no problems with the universe and instead back to dealing with an uncultured prick. Jim wouldn’t mind of course; it’d be a gift to him in fact, bringing it all back to the old status-quo of mind within matter and shards turned whole.

A single movement was all it took, a reversal of that which should not have happened. There was no veil of rage this time though, no black-out of sanity to shield him from the unreality which took place before him.

It tried to shirk its punishment, to flee from forces greater than any which bound mere inanimate matter, but in the end it was dragged back and over the brink. Organic shackles locked in place once again, the curse of sentience forced upon it as Paul returned to reality.

Jim spoke up again, waving his hand at the vase in Paul’s hand. “I said, that’s a bloody good var-se you got there.”

This time, it just wouldn’t do to smash his face in.

“Jim, It’s a vase, not a var-se.”

STORY TIME!!

IT was once a time a dude called "XxXCoFanBOYXxX" Who trought CoD was the best game ever. He got hit by a train and then he knew that CoD suck ass and changed his name to "xXTf2FanBOYXx" :3

One time at a party, we where playing sega saturn and having fun. When a kid who was at the party, was informing us how his dad made the games and how he was filthy rich. He was really annoying until he started talking about how he would have lots of fun playing with his, member, and how he discovered doing so and he enjoys doing so every day. All this with young kids in the room. I was in shock. We told his mom who removed him from the area.

Zombie story clicky

Zombie themed. Meh? Not sure what context the story was to be. Real-lifeish or what. So yea, there. ^_^

=iN thE beginninG thE enD!

=oncE upoN a timE therE waS a darK anD stormY nighT? =oH; anD therE waS alsO a seA anD somE kinD oF a booT floatinG insidE a glasS bottlE= thE captaiN saiD:"i wondeR what'S foR dinneR!" anD hiS boY rubbeD hiS bellY likE a biG gloB oF jellY:= thE feceS oF eviL dreW closeR anD iT stareD straighT intO someoneS eyE.

="ayE, ayE, i don'T knoW whaT thE helL iT iS?" shouteD thE captaiN,"mY boY! therE iS nO timE! youR worD wilL bE enougH!" theN hE felL intO thE seA anD brokE intO a thousanD anD onE piecE. boY throweD awaY hiS clotheS anD revealeD hiS secreT supeR herO identitY; thE boymaN! hE, jumpeD, anD, dislocateD hiS heaD.

=meanwhilE iN thE booT cavE= thE dislocateD heaD becamE completelY detacheD anD saiD:"mY namE iS ricK anD rolleD, uP, uP anD awaY? " hE battleD thE eviL foR unmeasurablE amounT oF timE anD saveD thE princesS anD halF thE kingdoM foR hiS troubleS. theY liveD happilY eveR afteR!
=thE enD oF thE beginninG, tO bE oR noT tO bE continueD?

Once when I was a retarded kid, I was in my granfather's farm. I saw a black chicken and started running after it. After some time the stupid animal tripped, fell on a ravine and died.
I dunno why, but suddenly I felt the urge to scream "I SUMMON SATAN!" and I did. It was a normal day, but suddenly the sky went dark and a lightining fell hit a brush, that was ignited.

Okay so once upon a time Chuck Norris and a Blastoise were wrestling on the surface of Pluto, when suddenly Jesus appeared out of nowhere and told them that the president was kidnapped by ninjas. He then asked them if they were bad enough dudes to save them, they said yes so they were teleported to The Culdesac. There they had to get help from Ed, Edd, and Eddy, and for some reason Duke Nukem. They had Edd build them a jet. Then Eddy charged them each a quarter, the gang ruefully paid the fees. The gang got into the jet along with Duke Nukem, who had decided to join them after a lengthy game of mahjong. They sped past several places when at last they arrived in ye merry old land of Skyrim. This was after Dovahkiin had defeated Alduin, so very little dragons would've gotten in the way. The local guard told them an interesting story about his adventuring days and how after an accident involving a arrow to the knee. he could not adventure again. The gang found the story boring and killed the guard. Now they had the entire town of Falkreath trying to kill them, when Paarthurnax came down from the Throat of The World and hitched them a ride to the ninjas lair in the nearby Mojave Desert. Paarthurnax also taught them a dragon shout, the shout being FUS ROH DAH! When in the Mojave Desert they immediately went to New Vegas. There, they immediately went into the Ultra-luxe. They immediately asked questions about the president to the White Glove Society members. They got told nothing when a stranger does up to them and tells them he'd seen the president. The gang was grateful and asked the man his name, he said his name was Benny. Benny then left saying he had business to take care of. The gang then started attacking everyone in the casino while yelling out "LET'S GET WIGGY WITH IT!". They eventually found the president in a locked cage, they look for the key but found no trace of it. They then heard a voice say " Hey, hey ,heeeeey, what'd I tell you about going in my SHEEEEED. The lights came on to reveal several corpses of ponies with names by them, names like Rainbow Dash, Derpy Hooves, and Rarity. The gang turned around to see a pony standing there with a chainsaw. The pony said "Hey there my name's Fluttershy, and my shed is out of limits." She then threw a round, ball like object at Blastoise. It turned out to be a MASTERBALL! She had caught Blaatoise, so know Chuck and Duke were all by themselves. Fluttershy sent out Blastoise and told him to use Water Cannon. He obeyed and used the move. Chuck and Duke were blasted with water , but it did nothing to them. Duke brought out a chaingun and started shooting everywhere. Chuck ran towards Fluttershy and knocked the chainsaw out of her hand. He picked it up when he saw Blastoise getting hit by the bullets. He thought to him self "Mourn later" and continued his attack on Fluttershy. He caught her in a choke hold and demanded that she give him the key. She said no so Chuck killed her. He found the key on her body, and let the president out of the cage. Jesus appeared and congratulated them and in return brought Blastoise back to life. They went back to dine at Red Robins and lived happily ever after.
The End

All characters I borrowed are belongings of their respective owners. I claim no right of them, and am using them only to make a story

Another Story!

Once there was an ugly boy. He was so ugly that everyone died.The end