I come ill prepared, but there is this factory next to my name!

No worries, dug up some humble gifts, so I am not totally empty handed.

it's been another eventful year and life is still rough on me.
My marriage is in shambles, the man that was once the love of my life is dying of cancer (that wasn't the cause of our break up).
My mum is deteriorating fast and needs more and more care and help.

I try to be there for both (despite the fact that my husband really broke me), but it is hard.
Sometimes it feels like living for 3 and when it becomes too much, I tend to totally forget and neglect myself.
I try to remind myself: you can not pour from an empty cup!

But the pressure to keep caring is really high, cause the system due to financial cut backs doesn't provide enough help.

I temporary moved in with my Mum as I really no longer could stay afloat living in the same house with the man that broke me.
But.....that doesn't seem to be a good solution!
I still need a place of my own. Tried to move out on my husband awhile back (when he wasn't that ill yet) but he financially blocked me.
If I would have left at that time, we would both have gotten in financial problems.
Now looking into finding a room (just a room, not a house) for myself in my home town
That way I can take breaks from caring and take some much needed "me" time.

My husband is not a bad person (neither I am, I think......) but.....he is obsessive, everything has to be done his way and he has an egocentric personality. When an egocentric person gets ill, life gets rough; extremely rough!
Before we discovered he had cancer he broke down physically and mentally, his behavior within his illness was extreme.
I've basically lived within a crisis situation for nearly 4 years , I felt (and I was!) abused on an emotional and psychological level.
When he finally got admitted to a center specialized in psychosomatic disorders we discovered he had cancer!

After his time in that specialized center it took me near 2 years to piece myself together slightly (with psychological aid).
I was ready to leave my husband a year ago. And yes, I felt awful! Cause who leaves a dying person!?
Truth is that the cancer had nothing to do with it!

I was blocked when I wanted out of a marriage that was hurting me so much.
And now my husband is really dying, this is probably his last year on earth.
I expect he will move to a hospice within the next half year or so.
I don't know how long my Mum still has.

So yeah.....life is still rough!

But the cake still wants to be shared!

I am sitting on a load of unused keys and sometime I will make loads of giveaways!

TL;DR: take the gibs:

https://www.steamgifts.com/giveaway/aIAod/ancestors-legacy
https://www.steamgifts.com/giveaway/Hp8Cd/regular-human-basketball
https://www.steamgifts.com/giveaway/INXxg/dark-future-blood-red-states
https://www.steamgifts.com/giveaway/tR2oy/override-mech-city-brawl
https://www.steamgifts.com/giveaway/si7Mo/tannenberg
https://www.steamgifts.com/giveaway/IWuij/rising-storm-2-vietnam
https://www.steamgifts.com/giveaway/LTUvf/horizon-chase-turbo
https://www.steamgifts.com/giveaway/P5hfc/11-11-memories-retold
https://www.steamgifts.com/giveaway/qLJS6/road-redemption
https://www.steamgifts.com/giveaway/1qDkM/synthetik-legion-rising

3 weeks ago

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Damn. Don't know what to say. beside some thypical for me dark jokes
I'm not sure if there is anything to do now, besides waiting. So just take care of your mental health!

Also happy Cakeday!

3 weeks ago
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Thank you, doing the best I can!

3 weeks ago
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Illness really changes a person, it sounds like a psychological down spiral similar to one of my family members. Slight psychological problems leads to health problems which don't get treated in time which worsens psychologically and repeats...

On the upside, it sounds like you have gotten a chance to detach from a bad situation, not that it sounds any better yet emotionally. Taking breaks for yourself is super important in the long run! Hopefully you have at least one friend or family member to lean on too.

Happy cakeday! SG may help soothe you a bit as well when just taking a break.

3 weeks ago
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It helps a bit to hear from someone "I can relate to this"
So: thank you!

3 weeks ago
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Happy Cakes! Sad to read about such events in your life, i hope it will get better for you.

3 weeks ago
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In time it will, thanks!

3 weeks ago
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Sounds really grim, I hope there's some light at the end of the tunnel!

...and happy factory day!

3 weeks ago
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Some light would be nice, yes!

3 weeks ago
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I hope someone or something will put lights in the tunnel to light your way out of it.

3 weeks ago
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Happy cake day. 🎂
Rejoice for your time and health.
If possible, talk to someone or post on the net for 15 minutes a day. I think it is good to go to consultation.

Be patient. By the next anniversary, you should be able to forgive everyone.
Please throw away your daily life in the trash and enjoy.

(´Θ`) ooO(This is a problem that solves time. Let's be patient and have fun.)

...

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3 weeks ago
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Trying to take care of myself and find some people to talk to, besides professionals; so I am working on it!

3 weeks ago
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”The puzzle of life” is a specification that cannot be solved alone. correct.(o'Θ'))

3 weeks ago
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day of cakes good have

3 weeks ago
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Happy Cake Day!

3 weeks ago
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Sad to read all this in a celebration day. Thing is... I am really cold-hearted, so I can't tell too much about your situations. Just that you shouldnt' be too worried about the decision you took with your husband. It is true that he is having a rough time now, but, for what I can read, he wasn't good with you... And probably wasn't even when you were having a psychological rough time. So... you should think more about yourself, because if you keep putting that much pressure on yourself, you will be taking yourself down too.

I don't have word about the situation with your mother... sad situation. Just do what you feel you want to do (I dont know how was your relationship with her).

About the room... yeah I have lived through that too... I just go for the cheaper and quiet... No need to be a fancy place, but the peacefulness is priceless.

But like I said, I am mostly cold-hearted, so maybe my advices are the worst thing to be listened to.

Oh, and thank you for the giveaways :).

3 weeks ago
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I don't think you are THAT cold hearted, you said some sincere things that were spot on: thank you!

3 weeks ago
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Well... I hope you can take some decisions about it... Have a good day (if that can be possible for you).

3 weeks ago
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Look on the bright side: You got yourself together slightly

And happy little factory day.

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3 weeks ago
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yep slightly, still piecing on the rest!

aww, you got me a bright and colorful factory! xD

3 weeks ago
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Happy Cakeday!

3 weeks ago
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Happy cake day. 🎂 Cheers

3 weeks ago
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Happy Cakeday! :)

3 weeks ago
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sounds like you're on the right track...one step at a time...to more and more cake :-D

3 weeks ago
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First, happy cake day :o)
Second, i think you go into the right direction with looking more and more on your health (soul included). I would say you looked too long at all the people around you and seen your own health (mental too) as "unimportant"/"not so important as theirs". I know, from my own past 25-30 years, how much effort it can be to change your helping behavior, to see the own health/needs/wishes as the same level of important (or higher) as from all around you, how hard it is to say "i can't help you right now or only partly/lesser as wanted". And i see how far you came till now with sentences as you see that you can't pour from a empty cup.
Third, i think at you, send you all needed strength and hope you go the way you have in your mind to reach the next, little or big, goals and reach a happy, not stressful, life :o)

Ps.: I am always around for you. So contact me at steam or discord whenever you need/want someone to talk/write.

3 weeks ago
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I don't know if I can call it "on the bright side", but I did learn a lot the last couple of years!
But it hasn't been an easy road.

And yes, it's a pattern in my life from early childhood.
my dad died young and my mother, sister and baby brother were having a rough time.
I made myself invisible and started caring as not to rock the boat any further.
"Don't mind me, became the phrase of my life"

I tend to give more than I receive, because that's how I am wired.
I am on the road now to learn that i matter too and that deserve some space, attention etc. as well.
it's a bumpy road, THAT i can tell you!

Thank you for your friendly words!

3 weeks ago
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Sure, it is as far from easy as it is possible but alone because you looked at it and try to change different things -partly with success- you are stronger as the most people.
You should have that a fact always in front of your inner eye (your mind). Special if you feel "weak".

3 weeks ago
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I matter too is a beautiful realization, cheshire, and if it helps to smooth that road for you, keep in mind that airplane emergency instructions will tell you to put on your own oxygen mask before assisting others. The reason being that regardless of your good intentions, you can't "help" anyone if you fall unconscious, yourself.

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation, and it certainly will get better, but be sure to take care of yourself, too, because you are just as deserving and important. <3

3 weeks ago
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Thank you very much!

And yes, need to take care of myself too and even before taking care of others!

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3 weeks ago
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I tend to give more than I receive, because that's how I am wired.

And that's great. If most people were like that, we'd have an abundance of caring. :)

But yeah, do take care of yourself too. Recharging is important. But keep being your caring self.

3 weeks ago
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Sad to hear the story, I hope things will work out, and may the past be the past, wish you the best luck, have a safe cake day!

3 weeks ago
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Ohhhh, are there unsafe cake days too!?

Goes to hide beneath the covers

3 weeks ago
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3 weeks ago
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Hope you're getting all the mental & emotional help you need cheshirecatgirl. Living with my dad through 2 cancers and with an abusive parent I really sympathize and empathize, in part, with your situation. I hope one day I can come out at the end of the dark tunnel and feel the warm sun of peace penetrating through my soul but for now, movies, games and songs help me cope. I'm also learning to meditate, but I think I should really be getting psychological therapy, like you :) You've given me some hope today.

Is there an empty place of worship or sanctuary you can destress in until you find a room all to yourself? Regardless, my positive thoughts and well wishes go out to you, your mum and your husband. May inner peace, fortitude and serenity be unto you and your family in 2020

3 weeks ago
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I am SO glad that i have been able to give you some hope!

I started yoga awhile back and that really helped me. I became overwhelmed, exhausted to the point of breaking down and then those stoopid viruses came knocking on my door! So I neglected the yoga, I know I should get back to it! And I will, cause I know it helps!

But sharing your story with people helps too.
The feeling of not being alone is SO important!

Games, music, coloring and reading books (as far as concentration goes with my tiredness) help me to.
But sharing with other people maybe helps the most. Just being able to say out loud to someone who really cares "life is hard" helps. Cause it breaks the (my) pattern of "Don't mind me, all is well with me" For a moment that stops the pattern of pretending.

I can only change myself and not the people around me.
But it is surprisingly hard to change long life patterns of behavior!

I am almost sure I will have a small room come February in a church community.
That community has a few rooms they rent out to people in need, people who come out of a divorce, who are temporary without a home etc. So fingers crossed! I know the people there and they are really friendly, sharing and truly care for people in need.

I am wishing you all the best for 2020 too!
And if you feel you need psychological help: get it!
Psychologists can't fix you by themselves, but they can aid you in healing, learning, adjusting patterns etc.
And a place to vent can be SO helpful! A place were you don't need to hold back.

I am a brains person and I am good with words, I learned to be good with words cause I never really learned to deal with emotions.
But I try to learn, try to connect more to my feelings, which helps in setting boundaries and saying "no" sometimes.
And saying no to people who need you SO much, is not easy!
But drowning yourself is never as it was meant too!

I wish you the strength to break patterns, to seek help, to start caring about yourself and above all: light at the end of a dark tunnel!

Life is a journey, the road maybe hard and difficult but it will get you somewhere! And when there is a fork in the road: choose wisely (if possible)

We can't fix everything in life, sometimes we really did get thrown loads of lemons to us! But we can make adjustments.
Sometimes small, sometimes bigger and some need time!

Maybe the first step is the hardest.
I think I took several already and the road ahead will still bring hardship.

Easy solutions aren't available, just first steps, I guess.

I hope you can take a first step too! ❤️

3 weeks ago
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Hugs! All the best to the both of us in 2020 :) ❤️

3 weeks ago
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That's quite a curveball a life sent your way. Can't do much but offer words of sympathy and encouragement.

3 weeks ago
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Thanks!

3 weeks ago
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Happy Cakeday, hopefully life will get better eventually!

3 weeks ago
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Happy cake day!

3 weeks ago
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I think you should focus on yourself and your mother. And try too highlight the good moments when they happen
I hope you will be in better times soon

3 weeks ago
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Thank you!

3 weeks ago
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Happy Cake!
Life is difficult sometimes. I'm watching both my grandmas take a dramatic downturn in health. Another family member is 51 years old, has never worked a day in his life (no real reason for that), and is about to get evicted. But there are always good parts as well. I'm going to have a freakishly delicious sandwich now, yay.

3 weeks ago
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Hope the sandwich was delicious!

YAY, for the small good parts of life!

3 weeks ago
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I believe your life will get better eventually! Happy Cake Day 🎂

3 weeks ago
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Happy Cake Day!

3 weeks ago
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Happy factory day, hope things get better, and thanks for the giveaways

3 weeks ago
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Sorry to hear this past year was so rough. At least you are away from your husband. Hopefully your mom is grateful to have you helping her and that she can still get some kind of enjoyment out of life. Good luck with everything.

3 weeks ago
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