You are probably aware that I tend to go AWOL for long periods when life gets too rough on me.
And it has been rough to hellish the last couple of years.

I already posted over at Steam at my favorite groups to let people know, but I never could pull myself together enough to post here too.
Until now, I guess.

Although my husband didn't want to admit it, the cancer was slowly getting the upper hand.
Which isn't too surprising as he had forfeited on all mainstream medical treatment and put all his belief in an incredible quack treatment that was really insane.

He went to a hospice on April 8th, the nurses that gave him home care the last couple of months had tried in vain to convince him to come to the hospice.
He refused, cause that was the end of the line, that meant he was going to die.
He had so many plans and projects still going, things he still wanted to do etc. Some of them also insane, over the top and incredibly expensive.
But at least he tried to make the most of the time that was left.

By the time he finally agreed to hospice care there wasn't much left of him.
I wish it would have been easier to talk to him, to talk to him and with him about the reality of him slowly dying of cancer.
It wasn't possible, he pushed me away, he pushed reality away.

I could go on and on about what happened the last couple of years, but I am slowly getting to the point that in the end it's all water under the bridge. And it's just so incredibly sad that we both suffered so much.

My husband enjoyed his stay in the hospice, the volunteers there were all so nice to him and gave him such loving care.
He didn't get to enjoy it very long.

April 12th, on Easter he died.
I am hoping he's at peace now, cause the last couple of years he suffered tremendously.

I've basically been a basket case the last month.
Still there was a funeral to arrange and somehow I managed to pull it off.

Now it's time to heal, heal from the injury inflicted on me and heal from the pain and injury I sustained myself by not being able to break the pattern I was in, not being able to abandon my husband. It's complicated and it's a mess.

My husband also left me with a humongous mess to deal with, sort out and try and sell off.

I grief, I mourn, I am angry, I am exhausted, I am a bloody mess.

I need to take baby steps to stay afloat, to allow for some self mending but there's also a ton load of shit stuff to deal with.
The stuff my husband bought, collected, the unfinished projects: that's a bloody mess too!
I have a temporary place to live, which is great and much needed! Cause my house kind of exploded with all the bought stuff and the hoarding/collecting mania my husband developed.

Baby steps, that's all I can do.

TL:DR:
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https://www.steamgifts.com/giveaway/1O1SX/molek-syntez
https://www.steamgifts.com/giveaway/C8oNa/raiden-v-directors-cut-lei-dian-v-directors-cut-lei-dianv-dao-yan-jian-ji-ban
https://www.steamgifts.com/giveaway/UU0Vq/the-bards-tale-iv-directors-cut

3 years ago

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My deepest condolences. Much love to you in these trying times, and hopes and wishes for the best to you in the near future.
If you ever feel overwhelmed, emotionally or physically, don't bear the weight alone - reach out to family and friends, or even support groups etc. Every obstacle is easier to deal with together than alone.

3 years ago
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My condolences during these trying times, I'm sorry for your loss. Cancer is terrible in every aspect.

3 years ago
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Sorry for your loss, many users here also have had family members pass due to cancer so remember you're not alone and keeping yourself happy as you can along with some exercise will help!

3 years ago
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From your post 3 months ago, I recall you were struggling with your mother and your husband's deteriorating health. I'm glad to hear that one of your burdens has lifted and you can begin moving forward a little. Thank you for sharing your life updates with us :)

3 years ago
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So sorry to read this.
At least it's over now.
It will take time and patience. And strength of which I am sure you have a lot.
You have good friends. Don't be afraid to ask them to help. A little bit every few days will make it a lot easier. They are probably waiting for you, wondering what to do or how to proceed. Tell them what needs to be done and if and how they can help.
Good luck

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3 years ago
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I'm sorry to hear it. My condolences... I hope your life gets better soon.

3 years ago
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My condolences. Hope you find the strength you need to process everything

3 years ago
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I hope he went to a better place....

3 years ago
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My condolences. Try to stay strong and just do your best day by day, there just isn't much else you can do. Sending my hopes on the wind for you!

3 years ago
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these kind of posts, made in a hobby forum, permit many readers to mantain the connection with reality.
i'm sorry for your loss.
from your words i can see you are strong and will go on, step by step, stronger.

3 years ago
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I hope writing this post brought you some peace. Sometimes sharing sadness can be cathartic. I also hope seeing the responses can help you in continuing to be strong and recover, bit by bit.

Condolences on your loss, and best wishes for the journey ahead.

3 years ago
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my sincere condolences
never forget that you still have lots of people that care for you ;)

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3 years ago
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Words fail me at times like these.

I wish you all the strength, Cheshirecatgirl. I hope things will improve for you soon.

3 years ago
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Take care of yourself and close family in priority. Those past years seem to have been incredibly hard for you.

3 years ago
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I am sorry for your pain, and for the ongoing trial of getting over the daily "presence" of your husband by having to deal with what he left.
I know that one of the reasons I am single is due to my selfishness (I am also a hoarder) - it's not something I wish to share with anyone.

I hope that you will find a way to get over your loss and find solace in yourself at this time. As you said, baby steps. I hope you have some good single girlfriends to hang out with at this time also (I don't recommend confiding in another guy at this time), decent girls who have more in their life than just partying, alcohol will do you no good. Take care girl.

3 years ago*
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My condolences...
I wish you tremendous strength in the years to come, live you life to the fullest. I am sure you loving husband would want that.
❤❤❤

3 years ago
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Oh my goodness. I started to well up reading this.

I know you will be feeling so many emotions at the moment, but I hope you also feel relief that the worst is over and you can now go about piecing your life together again. My heart goes out to you.

3 years ago
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I really am sorry for your loss... I send you lots of love, please take care of yourself dear.

3 years ago
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I'm so sorry! Anything I can do please let me know.

3 years ago
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This comment was deleted 2 years ago.

3 years ago
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Sending you all my power.
Hopefully there's a time soon where you can just sort things out for yourself, your emotions etc.
Don't forget yourself over all the things you need to handle.
Much love <3 <3 <3

3 years ago
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So sorry to hear this, I hope you can heal ok.

3 years ago
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Sorry for your loss.

3 years ago
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Sorry for your loss. It sounds like you've been through a lot. Hopefully you have people around you that can help you with whatever you need.

3 years ago
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Hi cheshirecatgirl,
I feel I can very much relate to your story as I lost my mom to cancer, a month before you lost your husband.
Luckily (or unluckily, it depends on your point of view) my mom's cancer has spread to her brain last summer, so she quickly lost most of the mental ability, and was unable to grasp her own gradual deterioration.
We were able to put her in a Hospice early on, so she was well taken care of for the last 6 months of her life (even though she couldn't really appreciate it).

I too am left with her apartment, full of clutter. But also full of memories. So it's kind of hard to find the inner strength to clean up and decide what to throw and what to keep - as every time I try to start, it makes me relive old childhood memories.
Most are not bad memories or anything, they just remind me how much I miss my mom, so that's what makes it so hard...

So I decided (like yourself) to take it slow, and leave it be for now.
There's always time to deal with it later on, when there is more nostalgia, and less grief.

There's not much I can do to help, but I want to send you virtual hugs.
And hope my story has somehow left you feeling less alone, and you see that there are other people in similar situations going through similar things, feeling similar emotions, and that is somehow comforting.

Mdk

3 years ago
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