It's been more than a month now - sad news

You are probably aware that I tend to go AWOL for long periods when life gets too rough on me.
And it has been rough to hellish the last couple of years.

I already posted over at Steam at my favorite groups to let people know, but I never could pull myself together enough to post here too.
Until now, I guess.

Although my husband didn't want to admit it, the cancer was slowly getting the upper hand.
Which isn't too surprising as he had forfeited on all mainstream medical treatment and put all his belief in an incredible quack treatment that was really insane.

He went to a hospice on April 8th, the nurses that gave him home care the last couple of months had tried in vain to convince him to come to the hospice.
He refused, cause that was the end of the line, that meant he was going to die.
He had so many plans and projects still going, things he still wanted to do etc. Some of them also insane, over the top and incredibly expensive.
But at least he tried to make the most of the time that was left.

By the time he finally agreed to hospice care there wasn't much left of him.
I wish it would have been easier to talk to him, to talk to him and with him about the reality of him slowly dying of cancer.
It wasn't possible, he pushed me away, he pushed reality away.

I could go on and on about what happened the last couple of years, but I am slowly getting to the point that in the end it's all water under the bridge. And it's just so incredibly sad that we both suffered so much.

My husband enjoyed his stay in the hospice, the volunteers there were all so nice to him and gave him such loving care.
He didn't get to enjoy it very long.

April 12th, on Easter he died.
I am hoping he's at peace now, cause the last couple of years he suffered tremendously.

I've basically been a basket case the last month.
Still there was a funeral to arrange and somehow I managed to pull it off.

Now it's time to heal, heal from the injury inflicted on me and heal from the pain and injury I sustained myself by not being able to break the pattern I was in, not being able to abandon my husband. It's complicated and it's a mess.

My husband also left me with a humongous mess to deal with, sort out and try and sell off.

I grief, I mourn, I am angry, I am exhausted, I am a bloody mess.

I need to take baby steps to stay afloat, to allow for some self mending but there's also a ton load of shit stuff to deal with.
The stuff my husband bought, collected, the unfinished projects: that's a bloody mess too!
I have a temporary place to live, which is great and much needed! Cause my house kind of exploded with all the bought stuff and the hoarding/collecting mania my husband developed.

Baby steps, that's all I can do.

TL:DR:
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